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The Worst Films EVER!!!

My previous post got me thinking about terrible movies I have seen (in no particular order)…

  • Batman & Robin – Dreadful in every way.
  • The Thin Red Line – Utter lack of organisation and a sort of busked script totally ruin a movie which annoyingly has great combat sequences. And it’s waaay too long.
  • Twin Town – A repugnant tale of repugnant trailer-trash in South Wales.
  • Taxi Driver – Spectacularly over-rated. And you just want Travis Bickle to fall under a subway train and end the whole farrago in the first reel. The scene with the porn movie date is horrible to watch.
  • Stealth – Obviously (see previous post).
  • Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – More like Ken Brannagh’s Wankenstain. De Niro again puts in a performance for which (if he’d a shred of dignity he would have retired to his trailer after seeing the first rushes and ended it all). Brannagh also of course totally fucks up the entire script. It conveys no sense of Victor’s thrill at discovery. In fact he half-inches his science from John Cleese(!) and that just misses Mary Shelley’s point. The definitive Frankenstein for me is an early 90s TV mini-series with Patrick Bergin (I think) as Victor.
  • Attack of the Clones – Incomprehensible drivel going nowhere at light speed. Yoda’s line, “The Clone Wars begun they have” should have been the first line and not the last.
  • Phantom Menace – Annoying kid, Jah Jah Binks, and not an Evil Empire but a Trade Federation as the bad guys!
  • That Thing You Do – Deservedly obscure Tom Hank’s directed “personal project” about a band in small town America in the 60s becoming famous and then quitting. Nothing wrong with it but basically nothing much happens either.
  • The Da Vinci Code – Watched it on a flight. Would have rather looked at the Atlantic. Utter bilge. Hanks and McKellen ought to be thoroughly ashamed.
  • Mystic River – Really enjoyed it, great performances, absolutely great but I felt so robbed by the ending.
  • Bad Lieutenant- Horrible, horrible, nasty film. The scene where Harvey Keitel is bombed out of his box and gyrating naked is hideous. And he’s hung like a Chinese mouse.
  • Six Days, Seven Nights. Appalling Action-Rom-Com staring Anne Heche’s permanently erect nipples. Was Ellen Degeneres fluffing her between takes? IMDb doesn’t say.
  • Jaws 3D – Utter bunk from start to finish.
  • Quo Vadis – Title mean something like “Where are you going?” Answer: down the pub. Duller than complete sensory deprivation.
  • Lawrence of Arabia – If you enjoy long shots of camels coming towards you very slowly through heat haze then you probably also enjoy watching paint dry.
  • Carry on Columbus – They shouldn’t make Carry on films while Sid James is still dead.
  • Rollerball (original) – Rollerbollocks more like. Reasonable fights but the rest is tuly awful.
  • Hannibal – Almost as bad as the book. And Ridley Scott should have told Oldman and Hopkins that “competing with each other to see who can be hammiest” is not in your contracts. Maybe it was.
  • Waterworld – Mad Max all at sea.
  • Jack – Not Robin Williams finest hour and that’s up against some pretty stiff competition.
  • All later Steve Martin movies.
  • What I have seen of the Police Academy franchise.

3 Comments

  1. RAB says:

    Lordy lordy you have sat through some rubbish in your time havent you.
    The ones I’ve seen on your list I totally agree with, especially Taxi Driver!
    And please dont say you watched Carry on Columbus all the way through!
    Best I could manage was one segment before a commercial break.

    Yes almost anything by Brannagh.
    His Henry V is pretty awful. Or Where’s Fergie as we call it i