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Ed Balls

Edward Balls is the last of the contenders for the leadership of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition.

I have left him to last because I want to use cuss-words about Balls.

A lot of them.

He is clearly an epic cunt – a profound example of a truly accomplished actor in the cunticular arts. A less savvy blogger than I might say that rather than being the leader of the Labour Party he ought to have his testicular substances gradually crushed. The more astute amongst you will have clocked his bulging eyes and realised this has already happened. Undoubtedly it is more fun than screwing Yvette Cooper but then so is dredging turds from the Manchester Ship Canal.

Ed Balls is the most profound cunt I have ever had the misfortune to come across. There are things – things – scuttling along the bottom of the Mariana Trench on raggedy claws that aren’t as low as Ed Balls. I only put off giving Balls a kick to his low-hanging fruit for so long because it’s almost cruel (but I am cruel). I mean he just can’t help himself can he? He was born a cunt and has only become more of a cunt over time. It is sad but inevitable for cuntishness is, alas, one of those diseases that is sadly progressive and there is no known cure or even treatment beyond the judicious application of a 2×4.

And that only brings temporary, symptomatic relief to the dispenser. Alas.

Ed Balls is so low he’d need a step-ladder to bugger a dachshund.

That is just how low the verifiably cunticulated fuck-bugler is.

I hope he wins for that shall bury the Labour Party for all time.


  1. RAB says:

    Ah, but look who is the People’s choice!

    Left-wing firebrand Diane Abbott has topped the first major opinion poll since she entered the Labour leadership race – despite not having the declared support of any MPs.

    The strongest backing for the Hackney North and Stoke Newington MP in the poll came from Tory and Lib Dem voters.

    Ha Ha Ha Ha Tee Hee, Tory and Lib Dem supporters eh! I wonder why that could possibly be? And it isn’t just cos she’s on telly a lot, is it?

  2. NickM says:

    RAB, she isn’t just on telly a lot. She’s the reason we got widescreen – the fat munter.

  3. JohnRS says:

    I really hope Mr Testicles (to give him his correct form of address) cons enough MPs into supporting him. If he isnt in the leadership race it will ruin my whole summer.

    Where will I go for fun and jollity if Blinky isnt going to be endlessly interviewed by his BBC fan club?

    Also, lets have Abbott on the list as well. Better still how about the “Nightmare Ticket” with one of them as leader and the other as deputy – and I dont care who’s on top (awful image either way)

  4. NickM says:

    That has put me off heterosexuality for life. Abbott/Balls – these things hell is made of. I mean this is a family blog John.

  5. Paul Marks says:

    I take it that you do not like Mr Balls?

  6. RAB says:

    Correct Paul. You are not the smartest man on the planet for nothing are you? ;-)

    Balls is pure evil. No really I’m not messing about here. A thug and a bully, a right little nazi in fact. Nurtured in the black arts of smear and spin for Gurnin Gordon, as Mandy was for Blair, but without the class or, god help us the brains, and that is not setting the bar very high.

    It has to be Abbott and Balls though, not just because words matter with double acts, you know like Laurel and hardy does and Hardy and laurel doesn’t, but because if Balls gets to be leader, he will get found out very quickly by the public for the utter hypocritical shit he is (Public schoolboy despite the carefully manufactured accent). So Labour would probs have to find another leader inside 2 years.
    But Abbott on the other hand, despite having done nothing of note in her entire lardarsed life, is somehow considered cuddly and non threatening by Joe Public, and has a good chance of remaining till the next election.

    But this is all academic. cos it will be a Millipede. Her own party will not vote for her.Public Opinion polls a utterly pointless here. Those who will decide are one third Labour Party members, one third MPs and one third Unions.

    Pity for those of us that would like to see the utter destruction of the labour party, cos the Abbott and Balls show would be the dream ticket for us, but there you are.

  7. John Gibson says:

    The whole lot is good but,
    That is just how low the verifiably cunticulated fuck-bugler is.
    Is top notch.

  8. Private Widdle says:

    How about: “If cunts could fly, Ed Balls would be a squadron leader”?

  9. NickM says:

    He’d be a fucking Group Captain. If not an Air Vice Marshall.

    BTW, no taking the mick here but… Your comment shows on the sidebar as “Private Widdle on Ed Balls” which just about puts the tin lid on the affair.

    If Ed Balls was on fire I wouldn’t, well, widdle on him. I might get the marshmallows out and then feed them to the cat. But only if, as he did a couple of days ago, puke on the window. That’s the cat. If Ed Balls had puked on the window it would be King Lear and the Terrors of the Earth. And Dachshunds could walk proud for that would only be the start of it. How feasible is it to insert a lobster into Ed Balls’ large intestine? We may find out. Well that or some sort of crayfish. An arthropod anyway.

    Abbott and Balls would be super-cool. Alas, we’re probs looking at a Millipede. But, trust me, I have my kicking boots for such cunts too. And I am raising ‘cuda for the rectumnal passageways of those two veritable uncle-fuckers.

  10. Bod says:

    Abbott and Balls actually sound like a second-rate ‘Chas and Dave’ tribute band.

    You’d have to know how little respect I have for Chas and Dave for this concept to have the requisite piquancy.

  11. NickM says:

    I know Chas and Dave. They have tribute bands? – well, fuck me sideways with a hittin’ stick. They do though have a crate of Courage Mild in a sideboard or something. The cunts they truly are.

  12. Bod says:

    I saw them years ago at Selhurst Park as the warm-up (I can’t deign to call them ‘support’) for Phil Lynott’s ‘Black Rose’.

    I think that was the first time a gig ever made me want to reclaim some lost hours of my life. Black Rose were pretty bad, but Chas and Dave were truly fuckulent.

    And now that DK has (for the most part with the exception of that one thread from a few days ago) given up on insult-blogging, CCinZ (thanks to your dedicated ministrations) has just claimed Gold on my ‘Creative Language’ favorites in my browser.

    Bravo, sir. Bravo!

  13. RAB says:

    That’s the point with double acts, the name has to sing. Wise and Morecombe just doesn’t work.
    Abbott and Balls… Rabbit,Rabbit, Rabbit rabbit rabbit bullshit…

    I rather think he would be a Minge Commander myself. ;-)

  14. Bod says:

    Well, they’re certainly a pair or right munters.

  15. Travelgall says:

    I’m sorry Counting Cats. You need to say what you really feel. I think you’ve held back.

  16. CountingCats says:

    Nick wrote that.

  17. Canon Alberic says:

    un peu de testicule

  18. NickM says:

    There shall be no Frogulence on this blog. Whatever the fuck that meant.

  19. g1lgam3sh says:

    Brilliant invective, I too thought that “That is just how low the verifiably cunticulated fuck-bugler is.” was inspiring.

  20. Mr Balls says:

    The writer harps on a lot about cunts perhaps he has never seen one let alone slipped into a nice wet cunt , perhaps thats why the writer is incensed with anger because they aren’t getting any.

  21. Jim c says:

    I heard him speak at the labour party today and cunticular ways grow strong again, what a fucking waster.

  22. Gordon brownArse says:

    I agree, he is only second in cuntiness to gordon Cuntbrown, what a total fuckarse!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. david stuart says:


    Ed Balls is absolutely a cunt, next only to Robert Jobson. Funny, they even look the same !

  24. John Galt says:

    @david stuart:

    Excellent slow poke. Nearly 3-years after the original posting.

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