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Turn Left

Why did I wake up next to EKS this morning?

I could have turned right. My previous relationships might have worked out. Anything could have happened.

This is what did happen.

I hooked up with a lad from Milan to look for a house in Leeds. He was doing a PhD in memory metals with respect to knitting machines. We didn’t find anywhere and he went elsewhere and I got a gaff with Rory Aitkens (recently on the BBC’s Watchdog for both pure and applied cuntery).

Anyhoo. I’d just been dumped and I was sitting on the fridge and this short brunette walks in. Actually, I let her in – she’d lost her key. She’d just been to the LGB event and was vaguely wasted. I made her a cup of tea and re-perched on the fridge and I thought, “Oh yeah!”. That is exactly how I met my wife. Then one night we got a little drunk and kissed and I thought it as good as I expected (I was on the rebound, recall, I wasn’t expecting much). So we did it again. And again and nine years later we’re still at it.

But that’s not what really happened. This is how it happened. My wife has naturally blonde hair. We all make mistakes. Hers was to decide to try and look like Louise Brooks. Her Brunette bob was not enough to satisfy this desire so she dyed it black. And then it re-grew. A faux-blonde with dark roots can look tacky but a a real blonde with a black-job looks like she’s having chemotherapy. Drastic measures were needed and we were talking Sinead O’Connor here.

So I let her in again when she returned after Crimble and I have to say the new ‘do was a bit of a stunner but I remembered a conversation with my school-pal Scott ten years before. He said, “The true test of whether someone is attractive is if they’d still be attractive without hair” and dear reader I fell in love at the very moment I opened the door to the now streamlined EKS and took her to bed and what happened next is none of your business especially because it was bloody brilliant. And it was brilliant.

The most important decision of my entire life is possibly entirely predicated upon a (at the time) pointless chat with a school chum and a 21 year old woman titting-up her coiffure. Upon such things does the World turn.

There are other ways of looking at it but that’s certainly one way of seeing it.

Another way of looking at it is that we had Ben E King’s “Stand By Me” played at the wedding.

Right now EKS has long blonde hair half-way down her back. She ain’t making the dye-job mistake again. Look where it might lead… She might marry an astrophysicist and God knows what the result might be.


  1. RAB says:

    I have a very strange memory
    dont I ?

    Have I never told you of Vera, my bonkers Swiss Artist friend.

    She was a crap artist, but was one nevertheless.
    It’s the sheer egotistical belief I find, not any actual skill.

    Anyhoo, she had her head shaven to get married to the lead guitarist of The Color Tapes.
    She looked absolutely amazing!

    I will never go bald, and have never worried about it really, except that if I did, my skull would look like a vigorously tapped, hard boiled egg.

  2. CountingCats says:

    Damn, pretty much the same thing happened to me.

    A Russian bird I worked with, she shaved her head one weekend and when she came striding into work I was awestricken. I just stood there staring at her.

    Married her too.

  3. NickM says:

    My wife is not Russian but she is a graduate in the language.

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