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Tom Cruise…

… is a twat.

Tom Cruise can command millions for his questionable acting skills in a movie.

He has frequently acted as a romantic lead.

I was talking recently to my sister-in-law (now don’t get me wrong here – I’m not carrying a clipboard and going round Manchester asking random women about the fanciability of Tom Cruise) but she reflexively said she thought Tom Cruise was not attractive. My wife thinks he’s a munter, my mother does. Every women I have ever met thinks he’s a mediocre actor who utterly lacks any sexual appeal or charisma.

But he is a Hollywood leading man.

Why?

It makes no sense to me or anyone I know but he is.

Have you seen “Days of Thunder”. Fuck me rigid with an Abyssinian hittin’ stick because I sat through that! And don’t even get this aviation enthusiast started on “Top Gun” which Quentin Tarantino described with laser-guided precision as “One man’s struggle against his own homosexuality”. It is a profoundly gay movie and don’t get me started on it in terms of fighter planes or we shall be here all day. MiG-28! For fuck’s sake!

But…

Hollywood does have leading men that are attractive.

I said I’ve never met a woman (or man) who thought Cruise was fanciable but by the same token everyone seems to think George or Brad have something going for them (and they do – good looks and charm go a long way). Everyone I have ever known has thought that and everyone of them also thought Johnny Depp was utterly gorgeous (and he is). They all though thought Cruise was a sleazy short-arse (he is a very limited actor – unlike Depp – and the only roles he does well are sleaze balls) and that didn’t light their fires at all. So why is he such a hugely successful actor? And more to the point why is he therefore considered leading man material?

Cruise can’t really act, has no sexual attractiveness and is a sofa jumping nut-job so why is he famous? Why?

And I’m not even mentioning Scientology? (Hells’ teeth the Chrome spell checker gets “Scientology”!”. Except I don’t.

Now I am an agnostic but for some reason I believe transubstantiation to be vastly more plausible than Xenu. In short I believe that the idea that God became man is not risible – I don’t believe it – but it is not just raving mad. Scientology is. It involves interstellar DC-8s dropping people in a volcano. That is bollocks on stilts.

So, apparently, did Nicole Kidman who divorced the short-arsed fudge-packing twatter. Gawd alone knows who got Katie Holmes up the duff but Cruise was probably felching that fucktard Matt Damon at the time.

Whilst being arse-fucked by Robin Williams. “Good Will Hunting”? More like “Good Will Cunting” if you ask me.

But then apparently a lot of British women find Robbie Williams sexy despite him being an utterly talentless warbler who combines off-key caterwauling with being a profound wanker and also being clearly gayer than an entire fucking tree full of monkeys.

It’s tough being a bloke. I can tell you.

And before anyone starts I am not at all homophobic. This was composed largely under the influence of Belinda Carlisle.

I just think Cruise is a complete and utter twat.

Sorry for posting an obvious truism.

20 Comments

  1. John B says:

    I think he had a very fortunate launch. About his first film of note was Risky Business, and the great thing about Risky Business (like, say, Dr No, or even your good friend, Dr Who) was the sound track.
    Risky Business was Tangerine Dream, not their best, but good enough to entrance a 1980s audience.
    (Dr Who was Ron Grainer, but as he said, when Delia Derbyshire of the BBC Sound Labs had finished with it, it was another world.)
    Inspired.

  2. Sam Duncan says:

    By the way, does anyone seriously beleieve Cruise was a full second faster round Top Gear’s track than anyone else?

    Thought not. You can just imagine the conversation with his People…

    People: “Mr. Cruise must win.”

    Top Gear: “Er… yeah, okay. Cameron Diaz knows her motors, doesn’t she? We’ll knock off couple of tenths if necessary. It’s hardly FIA sanctioned timing anyway.”

    P: “No, he must be fastest of all. And he must never be beaten. We need a guarantee that his time will never be beaten.”

    TG: “Oh, for fuck’s…”

    P: “No Tom, no Cameron.”

    TG: “Gnnnnn…”

  3. Stonyground says:

    I have a real problem with rich film stars that support Scientology. I am not sure what exactly they get out of it but whatever it is they can afford to have money hoovered out of their wallets to pay for it. By endorsing Scientolgy people like Cruise and Travolta are doing very real harm because ordinary people who can’t afford the hoovering are reduced to penury by this cult. Although a part of me says, ‘serve them right for being so gullible’, it is still evil and wrong.

  4. NickM says:

    Stony,
    You answer your own question. When Dyer played for NUFC he bought a watch for 30 grand. It was awful and had a quartz movement like the Casio I am wearing right now that cost me 20 notes. I also have an Omega Speedmaster worth c.1500. Not bling enough for the likes of Dyer or Cruise but OK for Neil and Buzz…

    Sam,
    You might have a point. The point at which I utterly lost it with Cruise was in that dog fight in “Top Gun”. It was when he starts fondling Goose’s dog tags and says with “emotion”, “Goose talk to me!”. Utter wank. I would have nailed him in seconds and he’d be taking an early bath. I mean for fuck’s sake! You never fly straight and level for more than 30s in the combat zone (Sailor Malan). For Jiminy!

    Having said that Cruise has the peculiar distinction of being involved in *two* cinematic wheel chair races of epic crapulence – “Born on the Fourth of July” and “Days of Thunder”. The latter is enough for Mr Cruise to have deserved his Equity card being put in the Large Hadron Collider and fired into his ring piece at something close to the speed of light.

  5. Lynne says:

    Please consider Mel Gibson at position two in the top ten twat brigade. Pretty much for the same reasons you have consigned Cruise except this twat is a rabidly hypocritical, left footer bigot who has the charisma of a syphilitic tapeworm and the acting talent of a putrid pork sausage.

    Apart from that he’s a great guy…

  6. RAB says:

    It used to be a complement when some critic said that you didn’t notice that a character in a movie was actor x,y or z, so good were they in subliminating themselves in the role they were playing. That is being proper actors, doing accents and emotions and stuff.Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton spring to mind.

    Then there are other actors like John Wayne, Sean Connery and Clint Eastwood, who technically cant act at all. Whatever movie they are in they are always “themselves” but they have such charisma and force of personality that they are compulsive viewing.

    But then you get to Tom Cruise, who can neither act nor has any personality and people have to remind me what films he has been in.

    I had to wiki him up to find his great “Successes” and find that the last two movies I saw of his were The last Samurai and War of the Worlds, two utter pieces of crap that I didn’t even notice him being in at all and he was the leading man!

    Cruise seems to be at his best when saying nothing, running around and bumping into the furniture. I am at a total loss to explain why he is still employed.

    As to Scientology, well let’s not go there now, I know way to much about them. My partner and I had the free loan of their ever on retainer Private Eyes back in the 80s for a kidnapping case in France.

    Suffice it to say that dorks like Cruise probably find it comforting and empowering watching people steal his money right in front of his face and telling him he is going to be eternal, cos you can bet your boots he hasn’t any real friends whatsoever.

  7. Locke says:

    Been drinking again, Nick?

    Sorry, Johnny Depp is a terrible actor.

    There. I said it.

    In every other movie he’s in, he plays a lunatic – Alice in wonderland, Pirates of the Caribbean, Willy Wonker, Sweeny Todd – all completely charmless and shit – but stupids think he is good because he’s playing “offbeat and quirky” characters. Well, personally I don’t think that it’s particularly difficult to prance around like an annoying idiot.
    His performances in straight roles are merely ok. Nothing to write home about. The last really good movies he did were about a decade ago.

    Brad Pitt and George Clooney are or have become likewise extremely mediocre actors. In fact, I’m going to go on a limb here and say that the last good Brad Pitt films were in the late-90′s – Seven, twelve monkeys, fight club, interview with a vampire, snatch … pretty good – Troy(what the fuck was that?), Oceans crap, Mr. and Mrs. Shit, Babel (bollocks), Benjamen (boring)Button, Inglorious piece of shit – all entirely crappy.
    As for George Clooney, has he ever made a good movie? This is the guy who stared in Batman and Robin and Solaris for fucks sake.

    Compared with these jokers Tom Cruise’s recent record isn’t too bad – Mi3 was good, minority report, Vanilla sky – obviously been quite a few turds mixed in there as well and his best stuff was also in the nineties. ( a few good men, interview with a vampire, Jerry Macguire).

    Hmmm… kind of a pattern here – why have all of these big stars had a turdy 00′s?

    Anyway, if you want to see some male totty who can really act (I hope you are aware of how gay this blog sounds), might I recommend Leonardo Dicapprio and Russel Crow? Neither of them have ever made a bad movie and I believe they might be rather attractive too.

  8. mike says:

    A bit of devil’s advocation: Cruise was very good in Collateral as the silver-suited sociopath, and a film like “War of the Worlds” is ALL about 300 foot tall alien tripods – an oscar-winning acting turn is not really needed for a film like that to work. And who gives a monkey’s uncle about scientology?

  9. Endivio R says:

    “A Few Good Men” is an interesting case of a movie in which I still think Cruise was scripted to be some sort of a good guy, or at least not a complete dickhead, but ends up being so utterly Cruise that no sane viewer can fail to despise the smug little git and root for Jack Nicholson, who blows him off the screen so effortlessly it’s painful to watch the two together, even when wedged apart by Moore (another walking, talking talent-free zone). If Cruise had had any sense he would have stayed well clear of that sort of competition. In Jerry MacGuire his wannabe Jim Carrey histrionics are so out of place and so unbelievably naff you have to look away. I never saw Top Gun, and don’t think I ever will.

    I thought Leonardo “Titanic” Dicapprio (I’ll take your word for the spelling) was something dredged up out of a boy band until I saw Gilbert Grape. He actually acted in that one. Not badly from what I remember.

    Johnny Depp belongs in RAB’s list of actors who mostly only play themselves (with the weirdness potentiometer whacked up a bit), but at least (unlike TC) have some sort of a self to play.

  10. JuliaM says:

    “…but ends up being so utterly Cruise that no sane viewer can fail to despise the smug little git and root for Jack Nicholson…”

    Guilty as charged! ;)

  11. CountingCats says:

    People, you are talking about actors here as if the conversation matters.

    Seriously, the measure of these people is how good they are at repeating other peoples words and otherwise faking it.

    Is talking about this lot really a worthwhile use of your time? When you could be, well, watching paint dry instead?

  12. NickM says:

    Cats,
    You sir are a philistine!

    RAB,
    I’ve heard that about the likes of Wayne and Eastwood. I actually think they were better actors than they are given credit for. It’s just that they both had a particular thang that put bums on seats. I mean walking into the exec’s office and saying, “I want to make a sensitive comedy drama about a gay man coming to terms with his sexuality… and I want to cast John Wayne as the lead and…” will have got you escorted out by security before you could finish that sentence. Personally, I think Bruce Willis is under-rated. And he can do a lot more than get into fights in a dirty vest (“Last Man Standing”) but everyone loves Bruce kicking ass in his vest. And we can’t exactly citicise Willis for not doing that arty thing when a studio wants to pay him enough money to fill a swimming pool with for kicking the living shit out of whichever British Shakespearean is cast as the baddie. I mean nice work if you can get it.

    Sorry, I like Depp. Possibly because whilst I take Locke’s point that he always plays outsiders (not my point above) he plays them well and I’m struggling to think of a Depp movie I didn’t like. He also has the leading man looks that Pitt and Clooney have but Cruise simply doesn’t.

    I thought Tim Burton’s Alice was ace. I saw it in IMAX 3D. Back of the net! And I’m a tough judge because I am a massive fan of the books.

  13. NickM says:

    Oh, I forgot!

    Lynne your mention of Melanie Gibson was not un-noted. What a fucking train-wreck that geezer is. I almost mentioned him in the post. Total arsehole. Open a blockbuster? Mel would be lucky to open a Blockbuster – in Kandahar.

  14. RAB says:

    Well that’s really what I meant Nick. Wayne couldn’t do anything but be himself and did it brilliantly. The few times they tried to do something else with him, it was dreadful.

    I seem to remember him being in a sword and sandal Biblical epic as a Roman Centurian and he was hilariously bad. He also played Genghis Khan to risable effect too if I remember rightly.

    Yeah I like Willis a lot too. He can be very funny. I was only thinking the other day, loads of stuff like Poirot gets endlessly repeated but where the hell are the re-runs of Moonlighting? Great show, great chemistry, it made his name.

    Er John. Tangerine Dream? Tangerine Dream?? I have seen Tangerine Dream live, no I take that back, as “seeing” them was impossible. They played in a darkened room at Cardiff UWIST the only light was the twinkling of their consoles, they couldn’t even be arsed to provide a Light show. That was 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back again, cos I certainly didn’t hang around till the end!

    Now Easy Rider, There was a soundtrack! “Get ya motor running, head out on the highway..” The movie was complete crap though apart from Nicholson.

    But Dennis Hopper made up for it later didn’t he? Christ if you wanted believeable scary evil on film, boy was that guy it!

    Yeah shame on you Cats. Popular culture shapes the way people see and think about things for good or ill, whether we like it or not.

  15. Torino says:

    As always, looks are a matter of taste; all girls I have talked to personally think Cruise is gorgeous.

    As to the acting, I think it is an established fact that Cruise is at least at the level of the rest of the bunch mentioned: Depp, Pitt, Clooney. Look at Vanilla Sky, A Few Good Men, Collateral, not to mention the last one, Knight and Day.

    Cruise is able to beautifully express emotions and humor with subtle underacting demeanor and expression: smugness, joy, determination, fear, rage… more than the rest of the pack in my humble opinion.

    I think there is a tendency for Cruise to be grossly maligned in certain portions of the blogosphere and press. And this is because of what… some overjoyous behaviour at Oprah’s, a few controversial statements about mainstream psychiatric medication, and his membership in a new religion?! Let’s not confuse those things with acting talent if you please!

  16. Lynne says:

    Nick, you would never get Melanie within a thousand miles of Kandahar. I seem to recall, before Iraq got turned into a terrorists playground back in 2003, Mel was filming Mad Max Does Jesus in Italy. I also recall blogging* about a clause in his contract whereby if Iraq was invaded he’d be on the first Boeing back to the States.

    What a fucking hereo, eh?

    *I used to be a regular contributor to the now long defunct Rant of the Week blog.

  17. NickM says:

    Lynne, you underestimate what can be done with a lead pipe, a dark alley, duct tape and contacts in the USAF.

    Actually fuck that. Send him to Tel Aviv where he can explain at length his nuanced views about Jews. Give him a few sweet sherrys first, mind.

    Torino,
    I think you are talking rot. Scientology is not a religion – it’s a balls to the wall scam. Cruise is not a good actor and he’s not attractive and God help the girls you know! And the Scientology position on psychiatry is utterly nucking futz and potentially very dangerous. As is their frankly insane idea of silence whilst giving birth. I know people from East Grinstead (the UK base of Scientology) and they found it deeply sinister primarily because it is deeply sinister.

  18. John B says:

    RAB, Like most things, it’s all done with electronics and mirrors. And we thought it was the real thing?
    It hardly ever is.
    However, along with Rebecca de Mornay, I am certain it was the sound track that made Risky Business, which made Tom Cruise.
    PS: You can’t normally see sound.
    :)

  19. NickM says:

    John,
    A lot of ’80s movies were made by their soundtrack.

    Your PS cracked me up BTW!

  20. Lynne says:

    I’m sure Tel Aviv would give Mel the warm welcome he so richly deserves.

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