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Going to the cats.

The England cricketer Graeme Swann told Nottingham police that he was on a mission to buy screwdrivers to rescue his pet cat from under the floorboards when they stopped his Porsche at 3am and charged him with drink driving.

I mean it’s got it all: a famous sportsman, a cat, a bizarre excuse to an arresting officer…

… And screwdrivers or rather the lack thereof. What self-respecting Englishman doesn’t have a set of screwdrivers in his abode? For shame! We may have exported cricket (or “organised loafing” as Matthew Arnold called it) across the globe but a large part what enabled that was the oily men in sheds with full tool-boxes rather than the loafing men on the pitch with boxes full of… if you catch my drift.

No wonder we’re in the state we’re in. If it was up to me anyone running for office in this country would have to demonstrate a practical skill – such as making a child’s model castle with a working drawbridge. Or something similar. Needle-work would of course be acceptable from the ladies and homosexuals. Just Imagine Peter Mandelson knitting an Arran sweater…


  1. RAB says:

    Not the sharpest Phillips in the toolbox is he?

    A West Bridgfordite eh? We know about them dont we Nick? ;-)
    I used to have a flat across the road from The Lady Bay and next door to the chip shop. Student heaven!

    Er, my wife would like a sharp word Nick! Yes she can do needlework, but she has, in her time, reupholstered a Chaise Longe, is a dab hand with an angle grinder, having built and installed two slate fireplaces at our gaff, and possesses the finest set of chinese screwdrivers money can buy! She wouldn’t have needed any help in rescuing a kitten from under the floorboards, that’s for sure.

    As to Mandy, I can actually visualise that. The sweater would be immaculate! Magnificent! but the first time you tried to put it on it would unravel before your eyes.

  2. NickM says:

    I was yanking the chain there.

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