Counting Cats in Zanzibar Rotating Header Image


Ed Miliband will today take the audacious step of denouncing the hubristic boast of his patron, Gordon Brown, that Labour could abolish economic boom and bust, saying the assertion simply fuelled the anger of voters confronted by economic insecurity and joblessness.

How very political. Not what we do, what we say.

The attempt by Miliband, in his first leader’s speech to Labour conference, to swiftly distance himself from one of the central planks of his long-time boss is designed to show his leadership signals the arrival in power of “a new generation with different attitudes, different ideas and different ways of doing politics”.

I can’t wait!

But his efforts to show he can lead a united, re-energised party committed to redefining the centre ground of politics look likely to be hampered by the expected decision of his defeated brother, David, to leave frontline politics to give him the chance to lead on his own terms.

Ed Miliband is said to be still trying to persuade him to remain at the top of Labour politics, and insisted there was “no psychodrama” between them.

I’d prefer a cage fight Beyond Thunderdome but that’s just me. “Two Millipedes enter, one Millipede leaves!”

David Miliband has been offered the shadow chancellorship, but friends say he does not want it. More broadly, they say, he fears that if he remains the brothers will be ground down by rumours of splits, jealousies and factionalism that disfigured nearly a decade of Tony Blair’s premiership.

The former foreign secretary, and once the clear favourite for the leadership, is not expected to make an announcement until Wednesday, but his wife Louise – in tears at times yesterday – is said to be angry about Ed putting personal political ambition before family.

It’s like a really crap play isn’t it? Like I fucking care. The choice between the Millipedes was like a choice between having one leg cut off or the other.

David Miliband’s team, still trying to keep a lid on their anger, have advised former staffers: “If you cannot trust yourself do not go down to the bars, just go home.”

Are they expecting some sort of pagga? I’m just down the road. I’d be happy – for a small fee – to hand out half-time oranges.

In a piquant and brave address to conference, greeted by two standing ovations, David Miliband urged his party to rally to his brother’s leadership.

That sounds like something Jilly Goolden would say about a pinot noir.

The 20-minute rallying call was agreed in advance with Ed, and drew on some of the leadership speech David had planned to give.

Oh for fuck’s sake!

He said a new leader should mean “no more cliques, no more factions, no more soap operas. One united Labour party taking on one divided government”.

But no “war on clichés”, obviously.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine,” he said before urging them to rally behind the new leader. He said he was “incredibly proud” of his brother Ed.

You know, I have never worried about Dave Millipede. Odd that. I mean I’ve never wished the banana-toting jackass any specific harm but… Well, apart from perhaps him getting it on with Hilary Clinton who apparently has the hots for the Mr Bean-faced loon.

“We have a great new leader and we all have to get behind him. I am really, really, really proud. I am so proud of my campaign. I am so proud of my party. But above all I am incredibly proud of my brother. I see Ed as a special person to me.

“Now he is a special person to you and our job is to make him a special person for all the British people.”

How precisely does one clean vomit from a keyboard? I mean I saw their staged embrace and for a moment I thought they were going to go for it with tongues.

The authority in his speech, ranging across foreign and domestic politics, will only put extra pressure on his younger brother today to convince the conference that they did not choose the wrong man, or let the unions in the electoral college do so.

Whatever! To say the Labour leadership is Byzantine is to piss on the grave of Emperor Justinian from the top of the Hagia Sophia.

One of his shadow cabinet allies insisted Ed Miliband was growing in stature as a leader by the hour.

Attack of the giant Millipedes!!!!

His aides say that, apart from introducing himself to the electorate, he will strike a strong note of humility in his speech. He will argue that during its time in office the party lost the trust of the voters, partly because it lost the ability to change and adapt.

Oh do please fuck off.

He will say: “Too often we bought old established ways of thinking and sometimes we even became the establishment.”

Yes, the government for 13 years is pretty much by definition the establishment. You utter flamingo molesting turd gargler.

He will also say: “It was courage that made us such a successful political force, but our journey must understand where it went wrong. How did a party with such achievements to its name end up losing 5 million votes between 1997 and 2007?”

Do you want me to draw you a diagram Ed?

In a stark admission of error, designed to reconnect with a disillusioned electorate, he will recant on a formidable trio of errors of the Blair-Brown era.

He will say: “When you saw the worst financial crisis in a generation, I understand your anger that Labour hadn’t stood up to the old ways in the City which said deregulation was the answer.

“When you wanted to make it possible for your kids to get on in life, I understand why you felt that we were stuck in old thinking about higher and higher levels of personal debt, including tuition fees.

“And when you saw jobs disappear and economic insecurity undermined, I understand your anger at a Labour government that claimed it could end boom and bust.”

What epic wank!

The final admission of error, one of the most repeated and central tenets of Brown’s economic policy, is the most profound. His aides did not make clear last night whether Ed Miliband was indicating that Brown had been wrong ever to claim that it was possible to abolish boom or bust, largely by using financial rules on borrowing limits, or whether he is simply saying the Brown’s boast merely intensified the anger of the voters when it proved to be untrue.

Just re-read the whole paragraph. Just do it. It shows a disconnect from reality outside of the narrow sphere of getting elected that is awesome.

In a marked difference from his brother, Ed Miliband is much more willing to attack the Labour record. David urged the party to look forwards yesterday.

Jim Murphy, one of David Miliband’s campaign managers, had advised just before conference: “If David wins he will be sharply focused on the future and our future plans. It’s not going to be about trashing Blair and Brown. The Blair-Brown days are gone. They are past.”

Ed Miliband is not expected to make any major policy announcements in his speech; he favours a long-term approach using semi-independent policy commissions.

Unlike the Millipedes me is speechless! Me is I tells ya!


  1. Sam Duncan says:

    Labour has been redefining the “centre ground” of politics ever Left-wards for the last seventy years, with some minor setbacks in the ’80s (that it eventually turned to its advantage). Nothing new there, then,

    Politics is like a really crap play. EastEnders fan fiction, or something. In tears because her husband (I didn’t think he was old enough) didn’t get to be Head Boy? Jesus. I’d be greetin’ like a wean if I did.

    “Labour hadn’t stood up to the old ways in the City which said deregulation was the answer.”

    It didn’t? Basel II? The FSA? The MPC? Fucking hell, what would it have done if it had? Chained them all up in the Treasury basement?

  2. Leg-iron says:

    Here’s a song Moribund Senior sang about his special brother.

  3. mike says:

    “…flamingo molesting turd gargler..”

    Christ… I don’t know what to say to that, but I do know it cries out for something to be said about it… that image is like a fusion of The Horrible with The Hilarious into some sort of infernal necker cube. That’s some seriously disturbing porn floating around your head Nick…

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: