… Almost. OK, she’s not the sharpest pencil in the box and would have been an hilarity if she’d won but alas we got a Millipede instead in charge of The Labour party. Apparently Neil Kinnock was an early adopter of Edpede which ought to be a suitable kiss of death to the new Labour leader. Alas Michael Foot is dead.
But… I have mocked Ms Abbott for running entirely on the basis of her pigmentation and ovaries (and flirting with Portillo!) and now it don’t look so funny. Why? All three major party leaders in this country are white blokes around forty. Is this a problem? In principle it isn’t but…
I’m not, absolutely not, going to go down the route of the silliness that is positive discrimination but a couple of things need to be said… I do think it peculiar that essentially we have squeezed down the parameters for party leader to the extent that we have done. My Mum stayed with me over the weekend and she couldn’t tell the Millipedes apart. My wife is similarly vague and quite frankly Nick Clegg could walk past me in the street and I’d pay him no heed.
That of course brings up another issue. Edpede is an atheist. So is the Cleggster. I would say that, practically speaking most Brits are so what? I’m an agnostic because I simply can’t be fucked either way but you can roughly lump me in. But what struck me is that this closet is the last one and Edpede was interviewed by the BBC over his non-belief and it was as tortuous as Nick Clegg’s “coming out” as a non-believer. Recall that? He was at pains to state that his wife was Catholic and his kids were being brought up as Catholics. It was painful to watch. I don’t have anything against the Catholic Faith. If I was concerned (which I’m not) it was more that those poor lickle kiddies were being brought-up Liberal Democrat.
I shall now answer my own “So what?” They are really all the same. The policies are micrometres apart and this is made even more evident when the faces are so similar. That the recent Labour leadership contest came down to two brothers who in the end couldn’t be separated by a cigarette paper says it all really.
Not quite, there is something else… Both Clegg and Edpede have only been members of parliament for a few short years. Edpede’s keynote speech at the Labour conference included the fact that he didn’t vote for the invasion of Iraq in 2003 because he wasn’t even an MP then. I think the phrase “Risen without trace” occurred to me then.
Anyway, just up the road from me is the local Conservative Club. Why not? I’m 37 [check], full head of hair [check], attractive wife [check], not whelping like there’s no tomorrow [problem - but she has adopted a bear, mind] and quite frankly if Mrs Clegg’s son Nicholas can get to be Deputy Prime Minister in such a short space of time then why not moi? I’d rather be a Timelord than First Lord of the Treasury (mainly because that only contains a note saying, “We owe China a bucking fundle”) but I can work on it. And the Jag would be nice. As would the Trident control codes. It would be brown trousers time in Tehran. I’d be prepared to nuke Qom on general principles.
Anyway, enough fantasy already! I’m not there yet.
But seeing as the only significant qualification for being a major party leader in this country is being a bloke around forty I could be and you should all be very afraid. Oh, and I can articulate my non-belief in God without going round the houses. That’s gotta be a winner.
And you want the kicker? I can do it in a way that doesn’t upset the faithful.
Because I’m not a crass go-getting twat. Best stick to computers then because I fail politics at the final hurdle. Bugger.