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Walk between the raindrops, baby.

THEIR mini break is said to have cost £20,000 – but for Wayne and Coleen Rooney it has been worth every penny.

Where did they go? Mars?

Long-suffering Coleen, 24, yesterday revealed that their romance is back on track.

Oh, magic! It’s just like Romeo and Juliet without the tragedy.

Speaking at their seven-star resort hotel in Dubai, she said: “We came out here to get away from everything. We wanted some time away.

So she gave an interview. I am so buying this narrative. It’s about as credible as Bill Clinton sleeping on the sofa after the Lewinsky thing broke. I have seen the White House. I have indeed been told to eff off by a cop whilst trying to take a picture of the gaff. It is not a one bedroom house.

“Don’t you think me and Wayne deserved this break after everything?”

Let’s ask the Stretford End that question eh? Or perhaps Nobby Stiles who just sold all his memorabilia. When Stiles was at Manchester United he was paid a princely £3 5 shillings a week. Most of it has been bought by Manchester United and will wind up in the museum at Old Trafford so that’s fitting. God knows what Rooney will leave to Manchester United – used condoms tart cards and a pie? Amongst Stiles stuff of course was his World Cup medal. On the basis of Mr Rooney’s recent dismal performance in South Africa then I think that is out of the question.

“Wayne and I are fine. We just want some peace and quiet and some time by ourselves.”

Coleen was left shattered earlier this year by claims that the Manchester United star cheated on her while she was pregnant with their son Kai by sleeping with two prostitutes.”

I really don’t know. Is this genuine? We are well into WAG-land here. I mean that is low and far be it from me to comment on the intimate arrangements of others though I suspect I’d feel happier if Coleen had given Wayne the “Full Mrs Woods” or Sir Alex had concluded pay negotiations by kicking Rooney so hard in the scrot bag he’d look like he had three adam’s apples.

In a bid to save their marriage, Rooney cancelled a £90,000 25th birthday party last weekend to fly off with Coleen for a romantic break.

I assume that was in Liverpool. 90 grand in Liverpool would… buy Toxteth.

Yesterday she broke her silence to dismiss claims she had given her husband the cold shoulder during the trip.

Cold shoulder? It would have been the cold steel if it had been me.

She revealed that the mini-break had been such a success that they planned to renew their marriage vows in a lavish ceremony next June.

Direct me to the vomitarium. I assume this renewal is courtesy of Hello!.

It will mark the third anniversary of their wedding at a 17th Century palace in Santa Margherita Ligure on the Italian Riviera.

Well Lakshmi Mittal’s daughter got married at Versailles so…

Coleen believes it will help her finally bury the pain.

I should not read the Express. The only reason I looked it up today was because it had some storming headlines which I alas couldn’t find in the online version. Robson Green has apparently given up his pursuit of fame which is excellent news to anyone in the UK with a TV.

She played a vital role in her husband’s change of heart over leaving Old Trafford which netted him a new, £230,000-a-week, five-year contract, making him Britain’s highest-paid footballer.

Call me Mr Cynical but… Who the Hell needs to be persuaded to earn nigh on a quarter of a million a week to play footie? I mean the Gods upon Olympus don’t earn that much and it will buy Mrs Rooney a heck of a lot of shoes. Enough to make Imelda Marcos look like some form of guttersnipe. This whole spectacle is grotesque.

A family friend said: “Coleen was pivotal in his change of mind. He listened to her and realised she was right.“It was a sign he trusts her with his future and that had a big impact on her. She is ready to draw a line under the scandal and move on.”

I guess there are less honest ways of paying for sex than using ladies of negotiable affection.

This is sordid beyond belief. And I’ll tell you why it’s really obscene. This is soap opera for real. The Coleen and Wayne show is a show and a brand and Wayne’s two make-ups – with his woman, with Manchester United strengthen the brand by adding spice, drama, a little controversy. Would it be unfair of me to suggest they break-up to make-up? It’s almost real life as performance art and I don’t mean Rooney’s seriously Wayning performance in the six yard box. The Rooneys are all over the front pages of the papers. Front, not back. Wayne Rooney is selling something other than his soccer skills and Coleen is essentially an equal partner. He is not so much the number nine as find out more on page nine. It is perhaps fitting that English uses the word “partner” to refer both to the person you share a bed with and the one you share your business with.

Because nobody is telling me Coleen isn’t the priciest prostitute Wayne has engaged and nobody is telling me that he needs her because otherwise he doesn’t have a front-page story arc. Of course he could have a back-page story arc instead but that would mean being fit and sticking a hat-trick past Chelsea. It’s just like pimps. If I ever get back my copy of “Pimp“* by Iceberg Slim (who was a pimp in ’40s-’50s Chicago) then I can quote but the rules are essentially that you have to put out to rake in. The sharp suits, the Cadillac are not just bling. They are tools. They are tools in exactly the way an electrician has screwdrivers and a chef has knives.

I guess what I’m saying is… Prostitution as generally, traditionally, understood is sex as a saleable commodity and celebrity is not too different because it is coupledom as a saleable commodity. We talk of the Beckhams or the Rooneys as an item and I don’t just mean that in the casual sense we use for couples – “Oh, they’re an item!” but in the commercial sense which pretty much means they have bar codes on their buttocks. In an extremely peculiar way it is rather like the “purple” marriages Hollywood used to engineer. Nobody can seriously believe Wayne could have bagged Coleen except through the celebrity mechanism. I mean she didn’t go for his Wildean wit, his Clooneyesque charm or his Brad Pitt looks because he is alas blessed with none of those attributes. Or even his enormous wallet, exactly. No. It is about the media crafting couples. It is about David and Victoria, Peter and Jordan, Wayne and Coleen. The media can make a fortune (as can the couple) because for some reason we are interested. And it is a form of whoring on a buy one get one free basis. I guess it is as old as the hills. It is very difficult to get much drama out of an individual. “You need a cast darling!” And we all know how marital strife sells. I mean is there anyone on ‘stenders or Corrie who hasn’t played away? I mean Ken Barlow managed to have so many notches in his bed posts he was sleeping on a futon.

It is remarkably Andy Warhol. Not only could Warhol draw. He also knew. Almost. He got it slightly wrong. He should have said, “In the future every couple will be famous for 15 minutes”.

*Seriously recommended. My copy is possibly in Japan. Everyone I know read it.

9 Comments

  1. Pogo says:

    The media can make a fortune (as can the couple) because for some reason we are interested.

    You speak for yourself mate… Frankly, I couldn’t give a shit. Though, to be fair, it’s worth quoting the words of the late Percy Cudlip: “Nobody ever went bust through underestimating the taste of the British public”.

  2. NickM says:

    I meant a sort of “royal we”. Our society is interested. You don’t get your piccies on half the national newspapers if a lot of people don’t care. A lot of people do. You might design a nuclear storm drive rocket that will get to Alpha Centauri in a fortnight for tuppence ha’penny but it will not shift copy like Kerry Katona going-up two dress sizes or Kate Moss being busted for a couple of grams of cocaine.

    I am making a meta comment with that post. I don’t care either. But I think the fact enough people do is interesting. I do think it says something about our society. You do appreciate most of the UK public can’t name a single physicist apart from Einstein. Isaac Newton? Didn’t he play for West Ham in the ’80s?

    Moreover I think the extent to which we (royal again) take people who are frankly moral cripples into our hearts is fascinating. Whilst his wife was pregnant with their child Mr Rooney was shagging prostitutes. That is pretty low. What is really low is to sell the “make-up” as some sort of “true love wins through” moral uplifter. Because of course this would not work without the “dark passages”. Note that Rooney cancelled his birthday party to attend to his marriage. I think if you have been having sex with other women that is hardly the most noble thing. I mean they are making out that a guy cancelled a “do” that cost him less than half a week’s wages as being Shackleton’s trek over South Georgia. He is in the words of commentator El Draque, ” a git”. And I just wish they wouldn’t call them heroes. Moreover I just wish we could separate fantasy and reality more. I mean I have seen a few productions of Hamlet and enjoyed them but that is because they are not real. If they were real – as in happening to real people – then I would run a mile in under four minutes from Elsinor.

    But then as The Bard knew “Happiness writes white”.

  3. Lynne says:

    ‘Slobrity wank like this is the reason I quit buying newspapers over five years ago. I found myself having to turn more and more pages in search of actual news. iSave has gone belly up over the new EU cash grab, as we knew he would, which is going to affect us badly yet what’s on the front pages of the dead tree press? Fucking Lardarse Rooney!

    I despair. I really do…

  4. El Draque says:

    I like to think that the mood underneath is seething with rage at politicians and that really we despise Rooney and his “other half” or “partner in con”.
    You can’t call it a crime either because it’s entirely legal to threaten to withdraw your services if you don’t get a contract to your liking.
    My feeling is that he’s over the hill, knows it and got a new contract just before everyone else saw it.
    Why Fergie agreed to it I don’t know.

    As for the country’s mood; well, we won’t start a revolution just yet, and nor will any country in Europe until the economic collapse is definitely happening and the only way out is to resign from the EU.
    Then it all folds.
    Not this year, not next year. Maybe 2013.

    It’s entirely possible that Dave knows it’s coming and that the best thing to do is to position ourselves for the coming collapse. By getting out of debt beforehand.
    But that would make him cleverer than I think he is. Which isn’t much.

  5. NickM says:

    ED,
    The revolution is starting. Angela Merkel is on the warpath. The Germans are pissed off with digging the Greeks out of the shit.

  6. Sunfish says:

    ¿Qué?

    I’m just lost now.

  7. Peter MacFarlane says:

    Who. Gives. A. Toss.

  8. mike says:

    I meant a sort of “royal we”

    Give over, man. You have a point, but how many posts have you done now about celebrities?

    I’m just looking forward to your lot being made to cringe on Sunday.

  9. NickM says:

    MIke,
    Celebrities interest me. Or rather the concept of celebrity does.

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