Counting Cats in Zanzibar Rotating Header Image

Non-story of the century…

Prince William is to marry his girlfriend Kate Middleton in London next year in what will be the biggest Royal wedding since the prince’s parents, Prince Charles and Lady Diana, married in 1981.

So after several years together some bloke is marrying his girlfriend.

David Cameron, the Prime Minister, called it “unadulterated good news”.

What an odd thing to say! Especially considering the Chuckles and Di car-crash. In Di’s case literally. But then iDave is a moron. Chuckles me old china. If you want the marriage to work don’t shag your mistress on the night before.

Anyway, I wish William and Kate happiness and hope it all goes well for them (and for the good of the nation his Dad chokes himself to death on a Duchy Originals pork pie) so we wind-up with a King and Queen that don’t want to make me study guillotine maintainance.

But I am not interested. Because essentially I’m not going to the stag do. Imagine that! I reckon Harry could lay on a splendid do for all. No, it’s not even that. William and Kate have been together for some time and essentially the story is “man and woman in long-term relationship get married”. It’s a shocka ain’t it! This is not dissing it. Indeed quite the reverse. It is fundamentally a reaction from me to the likes of the Chuckles and Diana farce. Princess Diana was in many ways a flawed individual but she was put through the wringer and still managed to raise two sons who seem decent types unlike the rest of the misfits parade of granola (nuts, fruits and flakes) that make up the Royal Family. It’s kinda weird. The Queen seems OK and Prince Phil is priceless. Her kids are mental but her grandchildren seem oddly fine. Not just Harry and William but the likes of Zara and Peter. I know the tabloids got their pantyhose tangled because Zara got a tongue stud and William and Kate had a bit of a falling out and Harry got pissed in nightclubs but all of that is disturbingly normal for the House of Windsor. Indeed the RFNG seem reasonable types.

And Chuckles and Diana was a farce. I watched it back in ’81. The thing about fairytales is they are fiction. What the Royal establishment did to a naive 19 year old virgin (as checked-out by the Royal Gynaecologist) who was not the sharpest pencil in the box was horrendous. An heir and a spare (and Harry is a Lone Ranger) and fuck-off so Chuckles can keep on doinking that hound Vanilla and talking to plants and selling hideously over-priced chutney and being a generalised twat about town is hideous.

No, this is different. Anyway, William and Kate, have a good one!


  1. RAB says:

    You’re not seeing the bigger picture here Nick.

    I’m a Baldrickian you know, not to say a cynical old bastard to boot.
    There is a cunning plan afoot here. Wills and Kate have been lent on to tie the knot by our Coagulation Govt because they wish to slip some really catastrophic piece of news past us next Spring, when we are getting all teary and cheery and sentimental, honking into the Kleenex and exclaiming, my we really do the best Royal Pagents in the world dont we?

    It will probably be something like deciding to join the Euro when everyone else is despirately trying to leave. You mark my words. ;-)

    Good luck to them though. I bet Harry will cook up a hell of a Stag night. I wont be going alas, my helecopter is still in the shop.

  2. Sam Duncan says:

    You’re right, RAB. Watch ‘em like hawks during the inevitable Festivities.

    But yeah, it’s not quite a non-story – “some bloke” is, after all, potentially* our future Head of State and embodiment of British Sovereignty** – but it’s not exactly a shocker, is it?

    *The day can’t come soon enough, frankly. The thought of King Jug Ears swanning about the place egging on the low-lives who want to destroy this country – along with the rest of the human race – fills me with a nameless dread.

    **Whatever is left of it by then.

  3. Stonyground says:

    The whole thing is pissing me off already. Both BBC and independent radio has been devoting three quarters of their news bulletins to speculating talking heads and then concluding with the words “and in other news…” I’m screaming at the radio, don’t you mean “and now for some actual news…”. I also have to put up with David Cameron telling me how effing happy I am about it.

  4. Bucko says:

    I’ll give ‘em three months…..

  5. Ben says:

    Oh the things the geraniums could tell you…

  6. Pogo says:

    I’d just assumed that she was up the duff…

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: