The nation has woken this morning to the joyous announcement by Mr. Clarence House, the royal family’s official wedding announcer, that the only son of HRH Prince Charles is to marry his sweetheart Kate Middle-Class, an ordinary shopgirl from Nuneaton. As the news broke, enraptured crowds rushed into the ordinary working class streets of the nation, chanting with joyful celebrationness, “Down with the Coalition!” and “Bring us the head of Gordon Brown!” before the traditional assault by hordes of anonymised riot police in full body armour drove them back.
Middlebrow, a 29 year old typist from Biggleswade, and her ticket to a life of unimaginable privilege and wealth, spoke to our correspondent in a joyous news conference, with great joy, as much of the nation celebrated by skipping breakfast because they can’t afford such fripperies these days due to the raging hyperinflation. Miss Middlesex, a cleaner from Stoke On Trent, spoke joyously at how she was first attracted to the dashing young prince by his astonishing resemblance to George III, which is shared by his father, his uncles, his grandmother and indeed entire family, except, paradoxically, his own brother. Future king William, on the other hand, spoke in joyous terms of his joy that, as the future king of England, he could pull a cracker like saucy Kate, a 29 year old former strippergram from Cardiff, despite looking so much like George III.
The proleteriat are expected to continue their spontaneous celebrations and mood of rapture until the Royal Wedding next year at Westminster Abbey, at which Mr Elton John will play his hit song “Rocket Man” with vocalisations by Mr William Shatner and, in a return to traditional British pagan values, 25 of the town’s virgins will be sacrificed to Kerenos The Horned God; a change advised by the Archbishop Of Canterbury on ecumenical grounds. As a 21-bomb salute of muslim suicide bombers explodes outside, the groom’s father, Mr Prince Charles, with an old boiler at his side, will deliver a tedious speech on the the importance of dropping the word “the” from between “of” and “faith”. The newlyweds will then exit the Cathedral, with the bride’s 25 yard train of the finest silk carried by mortgage evictees desperate to earn a crust of bread.
Today, across Westminster, Coalition politicians are reported to be huddled in offices, praying that this crap will have a similar distracting effect to the Silver Jubilee nonsense that Prime Minister Callaghan hoped would persuade everybody that the country wasn’t entirely up shit creek back in the 70s.
After the wedding, the happy couple are expected to wait, and wait, and wait, and go slightly mad from the waiting, for King William to ascend the throne of England, an imaginary country that once existed prior to the Lisbon Treaty. Your daily Counting Cats In Zanzibar will of course cover all the subsequent Royal Affairs, and the eventual extremely messy Royal Divorce.
Ah, it didn’t like the tags… I said *Applause*
Willy was sired by Jug-ears? Do they have proof?
Thanks Peter
Lynne, he looks like George III. That’s better than any paternity test.
Champagne stuff Ian!
As to the paternity of da boyz. It’s screamingly obvious that there ain’t no Saxe-Coburg-Gotha in Harry. She’s the kid of that dim-witted tank commander. William. Well, I reckon Phil the Greek exercised droit-de-seigner (or whatever) after Chuckles broke down in tears at the thought having to shag a rather attractive woman for Queen and Country and not Vanilla Parkyour-Bowels. Anyway Chuckle is clearly a Jaffa
I am bored with this drivel already! The idea that Kate is “common” (and Nick Witchell on the BBC was playing that card for all it was worth) is risible. She went to Marlborough. I saw the happy parents-in-law to the future King at their gaff. They’re minted. Also the BBC seemed vaguely obsessed at the fact Kate is 29 - rather old apparently. Huh?
And it was on the News this morning again. Just to reassure us that these two young lovers hadn’t suddenly had a falling out over the choice of curtains or something.
Anyway, be prepared for an avalanche of tat from the TV guides that pensioners will buy rather than pay the gas bill in the mistaken belief that it is an heirloom. Gods there’re already talking of copies of the engagement ring being the next bling. Cubic zirconia futures anyone?
The most curious thing was that when iDave announced it to cabinet apparently there was whooping and banging on the table! They are going to milk this relentlessly. Indeed we now have a couple of years of bread and circuses coming along - this, Queens Jubilee, The Sports Day. Bunting futures are the investment to go for. It’s going to be ghastly especially when Tsar Vladimir strokes his pussy whilst his henchmen turn-off a bloody big tap and the flame goes out during the opening ceremony.
Wicked Ian, absolutely wicked!
It makes me proud to be even a small part of this place!
You havent seen the Tower of London then? Trying to get in for free eh?
Oh yes, I am well pissed off with this circus already too and we have months of it to go yet. And like I said on a previous thread, everytime this crap Govt want to bury some bad news, we are going to get…
The future Royal couple were visiting x today…Taking up half the 10oclock News.
Argh! and the Commemorative tat! We buried Aunt Enid earlier in the year, she was 98, and we had to clear the house. She had a china cabinet stuffed to the gills with that sort of crap. It went straight to the Charity shop.
But I will say this.I know it is usual to have a laugh at Godzilla, and yes she may look like Keith Richard’s mum, but her only crime is to have crappy taste in men. I know people who know her and they say that she, unlike Buggerlugs, is cracking good fun, tells the filthiest jokes and drinks like a fish. Not all bad surely?
When my mum died three years ago, it was a rather sad moment for me and my sister when we disposed of the tacky Charles And Di tea caddy, in all its finest wafer-thin tinplate glory…
Crikey tho, The Royal Wedding, Charles and Di. Seems like another country, doesn’t it?
It was another country mate.
That was BT! Before Thatcher, even.
The new country started with the death of Diana, when the country went off it’s collective trolley, and stayed there.
[...] first souvenir edition blog is already available and explains why us common people should be so [...]
NickM, you’ve lost me.
“She’s the kid of that dim-witted tank commander.”
If that read “He’s (i.e. Harry is) the kid of that dim-witted tank commander….” it would make sense, or does this relate to Kate Middlesbrough or to whom?