That was me that was.
And I have done consultancy for the Red Brigades.
Oh, that Osama fella… I once lent him a text book on nuclear physics. Never got it back!
We have mentioned security theatre and even security opera but this is the full Barnum and Bailey in Vegas with elephants and like everything!
My wife has to fill in a huge form asking bizarre questions of the, “Are you a terrorist - tick ‘yes’, tick ‘no’?” variety for the Home Office because she does translation work for a company which is sometimes contracted by that august organ of state. It’s to do with child benefit fraud and nothing to do with Carlos the Jackal but hey ho!
It’s a security protected Word mockument. I’m not putting it up because it’s huge and if too many of you tried to download it the Cats server in Brisbane would melt down and appear in my back yard in Cheshire. But here is the MoD version which is very similar and in parts identical. The Home Office one does though have the added fun of blank pages marked helpfully with the slogan, “This page intentionally left blank.”
I’ll do a screen cap of the most amusing bit…
Now, I thought like lesson one in “Spy School” was you don’t talk about “Spy School”. Unless we are facing a major threat from Done it Duncan then what is the point? And I just love the little box for “further details”. I mean really!
Joking aside the whole thing is appalling. It needs my details. It needs my wife’s parents details. It needs photocopies of passports and bank cards and all sorts. Not only do we not need to go to America to be molested by jobsworth morons we can be molested in the comfort of our own home via the web. I call that progress! Or at least “progressive”. Oh and it promises that it’s all confidential because it’s the government. I rest assured because they have never been known to lose laptops, CDs or memory sticks. Not ever. That is unpossible. I have full confidence in the Home Office. Indeed it is over a decade since they tried to deport anyone I knew because files had been “misplaced”. The bloody college principal had to write to them to say she wasn’t an illegal immigrant but a genuine student. All attempts at telephonic contact made getting an audience with the Pope seem straightforward. More like an audience with God actually.
We shall go on beyond tedium, we shall fight in them typing pool,
we shall fight by the photocopier and the water-cooler,
we shall fight with growing insanity and growing bureaucracy in the office cubicles, we shall defend our pointless jobs, whatever the IMF terms may be…
- Lush Crotch Nil Win
Sorry I couldn’t go on with it. The original of that speech speaks of the strength of the Royal Navy which is just too perverse to contemplate in 2010.
Have you ever been involved in:
actions intended to otherthrow
or undermine Parliamentary
democracy by political,
industrial or violent means?
Well ,rightee, that’s most of the members of our
pro EU Parliament failed on that one for a start !
Just one question Nick. Is your wife going to comply with this nonsense on stilts?
Perhaps she has no choice, I dont know.
What are they gonna dub it then, The Kim Philby Questionaire?
Thank you Mr Philby, we see that you have answered no to all the questions, and we note, been to the right school, so you are free to go back to your duties.
Oh Mr Philby? Havent you forgotten your key to the Secrets Safe?
Yes, easily done I know, you should have seen what I once left on the seat of the 10.55 to Doncaster! Heh Heh, of you go then, keep up the good work.
Who do they think is ever going to answer yes? What are they smoking at the MOD? I shall ask my wife to get us some.
In the same way that our police farce now only catch those criminals that they have CCTV, DNA and names and addresses for, perhaps our security services only ever snag the non-too-bright or dyslexic Ahmed who ticks ‘Yes’..?
Er, would that include the TUC, NUT, NUS, Labour party, BBC, iDave’s mad coagulation, ACPO … er, oh and AL Quaeda, (though they may not count cos of it’s their culture, innit).
“Have you ever been a member of or supported a group involved in… actions to overthrow or undermine Parliamentary democracy by political, industrial or violent means, Mr Mandelson? Please give details.”
“Erm, The Labour Party, the Labour Government, the EU Commission, the House of Lords, then the Labour Government again. Oh, and does the KGB count?”
“… Mr Blair. Please give details.”
“Well, apart from the EU, the Party and the PM thing, there was that enabling act stuff.”
“… Mr Cameron. Please give details.”
“Well the Lisbon Treaty definitely wasn’t our fault, but I suppose we’ve got to cop for the Public Bodies Bill, stop sniggering Cleggy!”
“… Mr Windsor. Please give details.”
“Er, well one’s rather hoping to be King some day. That is if dear old Mumsie finally pops her clogs. At least before I do.”
Ah yes, the infamous ‘Security Questionaire’. which has to be filled in for SC and DV clearances, which are required for half the jobs in creation, especially the well paying ones.
And which clearances cannot be sought by the intended recipient, only by ‘approved’ employers and organisations, making a cosy little ‘members only’ sheltered employment club. Tell the Missus to fill in the forms Nick,it’s worth a lot of money.
The reason for the daft questions is that it is a lot easier to prove and nobble you for a minor technical violation and ‘making a false declaration’ if you lie or shade the truth on your answers, than to prove actual criminal activity.
Now then Mr. NickM, I see you once attended a Phil Collins Concert, how then do you explain your answer to question 35?…..
Welcome to my world for the last 21 years (..how time flies..); Hmm just reminded me that the damn thing needs renewing next year….
Chuckles.
Curse you Phil Collins. I always knew my liking of MOR rock would be my downfall!
Yeah, you’re right. Actually the Home Office paying quite a bit below the going rate for My wife’s sevices. Of course the difference is probs the agency taking it’s cut.
Did they include a DIY waterboarding kit just to make sure you make every effort to give the right info?
Technically I’ve been involved in espionage, albeit against a country that no longer exists.
I’ve taken photos and taken delivery of photos of Soviet military installations during 2 vacations there.
These include photographs on a small airfield without security (all airfields in the USSR were classed as military installations), and Soviet Baltic fleet warships docked in the city of Leningrad.
I wonder if that means I now can’t get a security clearance