That was me that was.
And I have done consultancy for the Red Brigades.
Oh, that Osama fella… I once lent him a text book on nuclear physics. Never got it back!
We have mentioned security theatre and even security opera but this is the full Barnum and Bailey in Vegas with elephants and like everything!
My wife has to fill in a huge form asking bizarre questions of the, “Are you a terrorist - tick ‘yes’, tick ‘no’?” variety for the Home Office because she does translation work for a company which is sometimes contracted by that august organ of state. It’s to do with child benefit fraud and nothing to do with Carlos the Jackal but hey ho!
It’s a security protected Word mockument. I’m not putting it up because it’s huge and if too many of you tried to download it the Cats server in Brisbane would melt down and appear in my back yard in Cheshire. But here is the MoD version which is very similar and in parts identical. The Home Office one does though have the added fun of blank pages marked helpfully with the slogan, “This page intentionally left blank.”
I’ll do a screen cap of the most amusing bit…
Now, I thought like lesson one in “Spy School” was you don’t talk about “Spy School”. Unless we are facing a major threat from Done it Duncan then what is the point? And I just love the little box for “further details”. I mean really!
Joking aside the whole thing is appalling. It needs my details. It needs my wife’s parents details. It needs photocopies of passports and bank cards and all sorts. Not only do we not need to go to America to be molested by jobsworth morons we can be molested in the comfort of our own home via the web. I call that progress! Or at least “progressive”. Oh and it promises that it’s all confidential because it’s the government. I rest assured because they have never been known to lose laptops, CDs or memory sticks. Not ever. That is unpossible. I have full confidence in the Home Office. Indeed it is over a decade since they tried to deport anyone I knew because files had been “misplaced”. The bloody college principal had to write to them to say she wasn’t an illegal immigrant but a genuine student. All attempts at telephonic contact made getting an audience with the Pope seem straightforward. More like an audience with God actually.
We shall go on beyond tedium, we shall fight in them typing pool,
we shall fight by the photocopier and the water-cooler,
we shall fight with growing insanity and growing bureaucracy in the office cubicles, we shall defend our pointless jobs, whatever the IMF terms may be…
- Lush Crotch Nil Win
Sorry I couldn’t go on with it. The original of that speech speaks of the strength of the Royal Navy which is just too perverse to contemplate in 2010.