The nation erupted in an unprecedented outburst of joyfulness today as the Royal Couple ended days of speculation with the news that they are to marry on April 29th. As crowds rushed into the streets to hang bunting and lay out trestle tables laden with sausage rolls, scotch eggs and cheap Stella from Tesco, Prince George III and his nubile intended Kate Middlesbrough gave an exclusive interview to Counting Cats In Zanzibar at which they discussed their plans of joy.
Bubbly Kate, 29, enthused joyfully regarding her planned wardrobe. “I’ll be wearing a really posh frock and a hat. I’ll look dead classy,” said the brunette stunner, “like that Cheryl Cole.”
“I too shall wear a hat,” added the handsome, bug-eyed prince, “so I look less bald”.
The joyful couple also discussed their plans for a lavish ceremony which will, in the words of sparkly-eyed Kate “make the Beckhams’ do look like two chavs in a council estate community centre.” She also vowed to “make sure there’s no trouble” by sitting her commoner relatives “at the back, and keep them away from the beer at the reception”. Prince George’s relatives by contrast, most of whom have been brought up proper, will be allowed as much shampoo as they can guzzle, “because they know how to behave themselves like”.
The Royal Couple’s plans following the wedding are, they said, still “a bit provisional”, although they do intend a honeymoon “somewhere classy”. Afterwards, Prince George III intends to spend his time “waiting to be King, and stuff.”
“And after we’re married I’ll be giving up the strippergram job,” said saucy Kate, 29, “or at least go part time.”
The Counting Cats In Zanzibar Royal Wedding Announcement Souvenir Issue continues on pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and Centre Spread
In other news-
Ireland, Greece, Spain, Portugal descend into anarchy
North Korea, South Korea declare war
Yellowstone volcano erupts, millions perish
Ah c’mon Ian you miserable cunt. The huge quantity of East Asian tat sold to Grannies from the back pages of The Daily Mail TV guide will keep the credit bubble going just a bit longer. What is not to like?
Anyway, it’ll be grand. I mean there is (I’m sure this is against “The Act of Settlement”) a fighting chance that Wills & Kate actually like each other* unlike the rest of the Queen’s progeny who are are a divorce lawyer’s delight apart from Eddie, obviously, because he’s a gayer than a tree full of monkeys. Nothing wrong with that but… It is somewhat pathetic this epic game of “Let’s pretend” - Oh, I forget, he’s also a theatrical! Of sorts. “Really Useless” or something I seem to recall.
I think it might even work out. Two things count against it. The first is the bizarre tempting of fate of the use of Di’s engagement ring and the second is the weird idea that Kate shall now be known as Catherine (or Katherine?). This is weird. My wife has always used a shortened form of her given name (as do I) and marriage did not change this. Anyway, I’ll be stuffed if following the Royal marriage I keep blogging as NicholasM. Nobody has called me “Nicholas” since about 1987.
Although if I get a title (and why not?) I might change the habit of a lifetime. I fancy being a count. I have evening wear and can carry-off a reasonable Mittel-European accent. As to seducing birds in nighties that leave little to the imagination and all that I’m sure I could fit it into my busy social whirl.
*”Whatever Love is?” and all that. I dunno. I may only be a commoner (and half Irish) but I do know that it isn’t standing like a stuffed tit whilst pleasuring yourself through the pocket of a double-breasted jacket and shagging a bird named after an ice-cream.
“Miserable cunt”? Not at all Nick, I’m really quite thrilled with the whole thing, not least because we’ve finally got a princess that the common man can think about while having a wank.
“we’ve finally got a princess that the common man can think about while having a wank”
Rest assured I won’t be calling out Willy’s name during an intense moment…
Even better than your last bulletin!
They’re cleaning a cell in Buckingham Palace, says Alice…
Nobody has called me “Nicholas” since about 1987.
That’s odd. I’m thirty some odd and I still get addressed as Lepomis humilius all the time and especially when I’m in trouble.
Mac the Knife was too overcome with joy to comment, but he brushed away a tear before, in a short but moving ceremony, being welded up in a commerorative biscuit tin and pitched into the Serpentine…
Lynne, your failure in your patriotic duty is noted and the police will be around soon. You will be seized, drapped in bunting and re-educated via a soundrrack of “Chas and Dave” having a “knees-up”.
Ian, you’re rapidly becoming the Peter Simple of Counting Cats. Great post. Although I’m with Nick on this one. It’s a bit of harmless fun that’ll cheer up the sort of people who are cheered up by that sort of thing.
I like having an old fashioned knees up with people I don’t like very much. Groins are so conveniently placed don’t you know…
Evil laff