The head of the RAF’s fighter and bomber force has said that drastic cuts in the Government’s defence review “worry the hell out of me” and would leave the Air Force only “slightly above Belgium” in squadron numbers.
Yes, that’s the six squadron RAF. Cheers Dave you 100% proof absolute parrot-faced wazzack who’s underpants reek of rancid lemon curd. You are not even a cunt Dave. Not even a cunt. You lack the blood and fury for cuntery Dave. You are just dismal. That’s the RAF Dave, the Royal Fucking Airforce. That’s the oldest independent air force in the World and…
Oh fuck me Dave! Fuck me rigid. OK, let’s get this straight. The RAF will no longer have a maritime patrol capability because Nimrod MRA4 has been chucked to the wolves despite being just about to enter service. Yes, folks, that’s the most expensive scrap duralumin in human history. Three and a half billion pounds of it. Of course we don’t need maritime patrol aircraft because we’re part of Europe now and no longer an island nation whose major source of income is seaborne trade. Do not get me wrong here MRA4 was a disaster waiting to happen. I have been saying for many years now we should have replaced MR2 with P-8s but does anyone listen to me? The only thing worse than building MRA4 was cancelling it at 11:59. Hell’s teeth! The Duncan Sandy’s White Paper of ’57 which infamously declared the manned combat aircraft obsolete didn’t even cancel the Lightning Interceptor. Sandys himself said, “Unfortunately it has gone to far to cancel”. That was three years before the Lightning F1 entered service. The Nimrod didn’t get even that grace – it was chopped as it was entering service.
Of course the Cold War is over and we need not fear enemy submarines starving us into submission (though quite what nine, yes, nine Nimrods would have done is moot) because nobody would ever try that. I mean it’s not like the Germans ever tried it (twice). Me Gran never saw a fucking banana for about five years. Oh, yeah, and the whole edifice of Western Civilization almost bought the farm as well. Possibly due to the lack of tropical fruit or Dave as we now call him.
So what’s it looking like… Well, we scrapped the Harriers, the Tornado F3s are on the way out after a remarkably short service life but then they were shite anyway. Do you know what the only tactic the F3 could use against an F-16 or F-15 was? Light the fires and head for the deck. Pretty much nothing could out pace a Tornado at sea-level. Hardly edifying but at least not dead. But we got Typhoon! Jeez Louise that was like pulling teeth from a recalcitrant mastodon. I mean fuck me that was a 1971 AST and only hit IOC in 2005! Keep that point. It is important. Anyway, it looks like the tranche 1 Typhoons are for the chop. Yup, the T1 and F2 are gonna be scrapped over the coming decade because they are “too expensive” to update to T3/FGA4 standard (able to carry bombs, basically). Oh cunting piss! What is that really about? I’ll tells ya. In the late nineties the Eurofighter (as was) was re-branded EF2000 and the idea was that would be the date at which it would enter service. It didn’t of course and the first Typhoons were delivered ASAP (to save embarrassment) without being full-spec. And yes (you’re gonna fucking love this) this included fitting them with a 27mm Mauser cannon – probably the best aerial cannon going though I do have a soft spot for the NR-30 (MiG-19)- which didn’t work. So why not delete the cannon? Er… The flight control software had been written already and it would cost to re-write it. The cannon was therefore not a weapon but essentially ballast. BAE did consider removing the gun and replacing it with ballast but (a) it was bought and paid for and (b) the actual Rheinmetal-Mauser BK-27 turned-out to be the perfect ballast to simulate carrying a Rheinmetal-Mauser BK-27.
One version of this tragic tale of the gunless fighter was that Labour decided to delete all fighter guns for – I shitteth ye not – environmental reasons. More prosaically it was really about work-share and the fact that the Brits and Krauts had a Barnabus Rubble over who wrote the software for the sighting. The end result was no fucker did. Magic. The same thing happened over AIM-132 Asraam. Way back in the ’80s NATO decided that the AIM-7 Sparrow and the AIM-9 ‘winder needed replacing. It was decided that the US would build the Sparrow replacement and that Britain and Germany would build the new ‘winder. Well, the AIM-120 Slammer happens in America approximately on time but between us and the Germans the AIM-132 doesn’t. Indeed it slips to the extent that the Septics blow a fuse over our European pissing about and re-jig the ‘winder as the AIM-9X, the Brits build Asraam (also sold to Australia) and the Krauts get IRIS-T. This from a program designed to standardize NATO short range air to air missiles. Of course we could have just bought Pythons from the Israelis but that would have been easy. Asraam should have been easy because it was based on Sraam which was based on Taildog and that goes back to the ’60s.
Asked whether this left the RAF on the same level as Belgium, he replied: “I think we’re slightly above Belgium, and we are not a Belgium-minded country.”
He added: “I might, over the next few years, argue that that might not be quite enough.” As recently as the 1990s the RAF had 30 front-line fast-jet squadrons.
We are looking at six squadrons by 2020.
Slightly above Belgium. Some fucker ought to be executed. All my life I have seen my country degraded. I have seen the Royal Navy dwindle to a brace of rowing boats on the Serpentine and the Army eviscerated but the RAF reduced to just about able to handle the Belgians? The fucking Belgians! What the fuck have the Belgians ever done for us? Note not even the Dutch (we’d struggle against the Dutch) but the cunting Belgians. The bastarding Belgians! Jesus wept! The only fucking contribution to civilization Belgium ever gave us was Hercule Poirot and he was created by an English author. That’s it. We are officially finished. I mean the Belgians! Belgium only exists because of us back when we had a foreign policy and the ability to twat fuckers who by and large (let’s leave the Opium Wars out of this) richly fucking deserved it. We invented Belgium as a buffer zone between France and Germany. We did the same with Kuwait and Uruguay. Why? Small countries at the mouths of big rivers can be leaned upon in useful ways. Not, alas, if you don’t have a fucking air force worthy of the name but then that would require Dave to know some history or indeed even be able to find his own arsehole with both hands and anally frig himself.
But we can’t afford it Nick! Well, there are a couple of ways of looking at that. The first is that we can’t afford it. I have, above, and not for the first time, mentioned some of our spectacularly maladroit procurement decisions. No, we can’t afford those. We can’t afford insanity. If I’d been in charge we’d be getting a few wings of Saab Grippen NGs for the money we saved by not pissing around and paying for BAE Systems to pay for Saudi Princelings to get blowjobs from grand an hour hookers. And yes, they would be built at Warton by BAE though BAE’s knackers would collectively be upon the anvil whilst I toted a hammer. Grippen would have perfectly replaced Jaguar one for one. It’s cheap (I mean in fighter terms which of course means horrendously expensive), it’s cool, it’s STOL, it’s got a BK-27, it can supercruise… Nah, seriously though. I might have been tempted by Block 60+ F-16Es from LockMart with the CFTs instead. Why not? Keep all the buggers on the hop I say. I got a good deal on my most recent significant purchase. It was a DSLT (note not a DSLR) from Sony. I only got a good deal there because I also looked at Canon, Nikon, Samsung, Panasonic…
But still! Can we afford it? Can we afford to have an air force rather than an air farce? The cheap (and true) shot is to say we can’t afford not to. But… Look at it this way.
The ConDem spending review cut defence spending and lots of other things. But let’s focus on defence. We spend about 2% of GDP on it. Call it 2.1% because that means if you divide equally between Army, Navy and Airforce then that is 0.7% of GDP for the RAF. That is exactly what Dave “ring-fenced” for international aid. Indeed one of the few areas where this government is spending more is international aid. This includes aid to India. Yes, India that has a bigger air force than ours. Yes, that India. The rapidly growing economy that has a fucking space program and nuclear weapons. It also includes, abysmally, aid to Afghanistan. Yes, whilst our troops over there are called the “borrowers” by their NATO allies because – well, let’s forget fast jets and esoterica like that – they don’t even have toilet paper unless they blag it from some US Sergeant Bilko type. They aren’t getting better kit, more helicopters, rifles that work or even fucking bog roll but we’re bunging The Khazi a fucking bundle to spend in whatever corrupt manner he sees fit. Bless him though! I mean when NATO admit defeat the Taliban will hang him by his scrotulence if he’s fucking lucky. The last time an English government bunged the evils cash to play nice it was called Danegeld. Correct me if I’m wrong here but didn’t King Alfred decide the money was better spent on twatting them? Coming over here with their interlocking plastic bricks rape, pillage and high-quality butter… Sheesh!
There was a time you know when we fuckin’ rocked. There was a time when we didn’t give aid to corrupt regimes (we fuckin’ ran ‘em) and there was time when blood would have been spilt over the idea of a six squadron RAF. That is so far beyond a fucking joke as to be… Words fail me. They do. For once they do.
Now the twist…
Do I believe in helping the needy? Do I believe in digging wells in Uganda? Yes. Do I think our corrupt bunch of bastards giving their corrupt bunch of bastards 0.7% of GDP is the answer? No. I don’t. Do you know what the largest and by far the most effective aid to the third world is? It is immigrant workers wiring money home to their families. Do I even need to explain why that works better than building a new wing on the presidential palace or sending Grace Mugabe shopping in Paris? My wife once worked for an insurance company in Manchester with a lass from Malawi. The Malawian was very helpful on Scottish place names because Malawi had a veritable infestation of Jockulent missionaries way back when mainly because, just like Scotland, it pisses down all the time and they felt at home in the gloaming misery. This woman used to wire money for her Gramps to buy some chickens and such. Vastly more to the purpose than anything Al, Dave or Bono ever did.
My point of course is very simple. Some things are best done by government and some things aren’t. Helping the poor and needy isn’t one of them. Having an air force is.
So am I against helping out the terminally potless? No. Not in the slightest. Indeed quite the reverse. I just don’t want to see that fucked up the same way the military has been. This is not about priorities or charity starting at home… It is about demarcation. It is about the government competently handling defence and leaving the charity to us. Because if they can’t do that then what is the fucking point of them?