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Now there are things that annoy me and there are things that really boil my piss. This is the first post in a series of things that merely annoy me.

Yesterday I took my 8Gig SDHC into Jessops. I had a shed-load of “free” prints which seeing as the camera and it’s assorted impedimenta cost somewhat North of a grand this wasn’t exactly free.

Now Jessop’s did me a good deal on my kick-ass Sony Alpha-55. That is a serious piece of kit. When I set it for a 10fps burst it sounds like a fucking machine gun. In Keswick I unleashed it on a jackdaw which resolutely did absolutely fuck all for 20 frames. I want the point it took off or something but it just stood there. OK. Basically… I learned to take piccies with a Zenit then progressed to a Pentax SLR (and another Pentax SLR) and via a Kodak Z7590 I got the Sony which is just (permission to go tribal in the back yard – WARG!!! – is just 16.2 megapixels of awesomeness) Thanks, cheers, that’s over. Because it’s a DSLT not a DSLR so it don’t have the reflex so the focus is faster than Josey Wales. Useful at 10fps. The autofocus just follows the subject like a fucker. I think I may be drooling but I just love it. I got a deal which was the full set – bag and baggage and two high speed 8 gig SDs and a bag and a fuck off lens and all that.

Right. OK I will f/stop. But it has to be said the Sony Alpha-55 won “Popular Photography Camera of The Year”. It is that good. Fuck ya Nikons! They are cameras for Leo Sayers. You got a a few hundred quids to drop on a camera then go Sony. The Alpha 33 is also good and the Alpha 77 is coming out soon.

All I’m trying to say is… I have a degree in physics, an MSc in astrophysics and a camera you would club to death a Colombian dwarf to get. Esentially I am an f/stop philosopher. I understand the optics of Hubble let alone a Sony. So…

Get back to the point Nick! Oh yeah, there was one.

So I’m in Jessops and all I want is my three hundred free prints that came with the Sony. But ahead of me in the queue is some dopey moo who wants to buy a camera. But this isn’t just any camera. Now I didn’t just buy any camera. I bought a kick-ass DSLT. I bought something with an Exmoor 16.2MP CMOS and both a 18-55mm and a 70-300mm lens. The lady ahead of me wanted… I bought magic out of East Asia. She wanted something in pink. She (I shit you not) argued the toss with the salesman over whether it came with a grey or white strap and whether one or the other looked better with it in pink – in fucking pink! At this point SLR dissolved from “Single Lens Reflex” into “Self Loading Rifle” in the mind of Nick. Yes she ought to have been shot (“Oh, it’s a lovely colour!”) and quite possibly shot up the arse. I haven’t even seen such theatrical rectumnalism down Canal Street. (Now fixed, Sam)

So that is #1 of my annoyances of this century (there are more). Yes, pink cameras. Cameras are black or silver unless they are owned by the sort of people who shouldn’t be trusted with an MP3 player.

This has been building. Oh has it not! It started with the moo from “Cold Feet” who in a Tesco ad said, “Oh, the Samsung camera, the pink one” and therefore I wanted to taser her up the fucking cunt. Because ladies and gents that Zenit I first leaned my f/stops on belonged to a woman with like tits and everything. Yes, a woman who had a proper camera that weighed a fucking ton and was black. Women who buy pink cameras are something else. I cannot find words to describe men (gay or otherwise) who do similar.

My mum recently bought a touch-screen Ixus. Sounded a nice piece of kit. It cost her £169. It almost cost her £199 but she got it cheaper becuse she got it in black. My mother is a woman (obviously) and she bought a camera, not a colour statement.

Anybody who buys a pink camera is a twat. That simple. Because I bought a “prosumer” camera and me ma bought a consumer camera. And we both ‘em bought it in black.

She has managed by hook or crook to get back from JFK. I look forward to seeing the pics…


  1. Lynne says:

    I’ll hafta take your word for it. Because I have a lot of expensive Canon glass which I don’t fancy dumping I won’t be looking at any kind of Sony Alpha this side of a major lottery win.

    As for pink cameras – wtf?

  2. Ray says:

    It is her choice to have a pink camera, it doesn’t affect you in any way. And you want to shoot her for it! What else don’t you like? What proportion of the population would you kill just because they are different? What the fuck are you doing posting on a ‘libertarian’ site with such views?

  3. RAB says:

    I’m perfectly happy with my Lumix for the moment, young Lord Litchfield, sir. And I actually show people the pics as you know. Just sent one to Midwesterner of Castell Coch in the snow which I took yesterday.

    So any chance of seeing any of these wonderous piccies then Nick?

    And dont talk to me about getting stuck behind malicious morons in queues…

    Before xmas, I was in my local Tesco Express, one till manned and the self service tills nobody could figure out how to use, so there was this massive queue for the manned till, all stuck behind this utter bastard in a mobilty scooter who kept remembering something else he wanted to buy and sending his carer scampering around to fetch it for him while we seethed and waited…

    Then the cunt came out with a fistfull of Lottery tickets that he wanted checking!

    By then there were around 30 people who would happily have dragged Davros outside and burnt him to death in the carpark on his fuckin scooter, like a Viking funeral.

    We are all sorry for people with disabilities, but there is a friggin limit! It was like an episode of Little Britain.

  4. Sam Duncan says:

    Single Lens Reflex.

    I got £90 off a compact Samsung a couple of years back because it was silver. Who cares? (Actually, it did look a bit more “real photographer” in black, but not 90 quid more. I saw one in CashConverters a few weeks ago and seriously considered asking them for a straight swap. For about ten seconds.)

    I wish I had a grand to spend on a camera. I’m thinking of building a new computer at the moment: I reckon I can get it down to £170 if I re-use my optical drives. And I’m still wavering.

    Queues don’t bother me much. What really gets me is those morons who go out of shop doorways in front of you then stop dead. It’s as if they think the place was deserted and nobody could possibly be behind them. There’s only one thing worse: people who do the same thing on escelators.

  5. JuliaM says:

    I’d be happy with a camera that took good pictures no matter what colour it was. I’ve used all sorts of camera – cheap ones, expensive ones, insanely expensive ones that I’ve been leant for the day, and the pictures are all lousy. Missing heads, blurred, etc.

    Hey. Wait! You don’t think it could be….me, do you? ;)

  6. JuliaM says:

    “There’s only one thing worse: people who do the same thing on escelators.”

    And those who try to get in lifts the minute the doors open, oblivious to the fact that the people who have just come down from the 15 floors above are trying to get OUT!

    Ditto for Tube trains.

  7. NickM says:

    Obviously it’s her choice. That doesn’t not make her a twat. This is a series of minor things that annoy Nick. Big things I’m leaving. I mean don’t get me started on Nick Clegg.

    Are you stealing my life? I had the same at the local Coop on Christmas Eve. Some biddy with a sheaf of lottery tickets. All I wanted was a pack of fags.

    We must compare notes. I will shortly be building a stormer (get me back into gaming) and it already has a name to live up to – Vashta Nerada. It will dual boot Linux and MS’s most advanced OS – XP. 7 is just Vista that works.

  8. Peter MacFarlane says:

    Nick, dear boy, go away somewhere cool (as in ice, snow, Northern Lights) for the New Year, drink some good wine, calm down, and try to become serene.

    All this angst really is not worth the effort, you know!

  9. NickM says:

    What I said to Ray.

  10. Simon Jester says:


    Not sure if you’ve seen this before – it’s not an SLR, but it is in pink:—evil-black-rifle-meets-cute-and.aspx

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