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A Certain Age

My mother is now back in Blighty. She saw her dream lover on the boards in New York. She said she was a bit miffed because he wasn’t eaxctly love’s young dream. Yup, Al Pacino was playing Shylock which is not generally considered a romantic lead…

My mother has a thing for Mr Pacino. I like this. You can tell a lot about a woman by their “things”. I mean if she had a thing for De Niro then… I will gloss over the fact my mother also has a thing for Ian McKellen because – well, do I need to draw a diagram. My mum and me saw him play a kick-ass Lear and saw him in Godot (also excellent) but I reckon I have marginally more chance of sleeping with Sir Ian than my mum. I had a South African friend who was Lord Owen’s house-keeper and he lives next door to Sir Ian. I have dropped cannabis ash on Sir Ian’s patio. So Mum, kick that inta touch! I even rolled the spliff whilst looking at the family piccies. Yeah, David Owen fishing with Helmut Kohl (like you do). Bizarre because it was just stuck on the sort of kitchen noticeboard that in my house has a Post It from the missus saying, “Buy some milk for fuck’s sake!”. I also once dated a woman who nearly defenestrated Newt Gingrich from the US Capitol but that really is getting way off topic. Sir Ian is also hung like a rutting stallion. Yes, he dropped his pants in Lear. I have indeed seen Gandalf’s staff. I can honsetly say his wilfull homosexualism is depriving the ladies. I mean I’m not the smallest donkey in the park but fuck me… My brother turned a peculiar colour.

Back to the point (if there ever was one). The point is that my mother has a soft-spot for Al. OK, fine, superstar actor and a good-looking chap and all but… My mother-in-law has a soft spot for Al too. Indeed every non-lesbian woman with a bus-pass has a thing for The Pacino. Am I criticising women old enough to be grandmothers? No. Because I was born in ’73 and have therefore had girlfriends and a wife of a similar vintage. Whilst they have all (to the extent to which this was discussed) said, “Yeah, Al’s an attractive guy but…”. The “but” is always the same. The “but” is always Johnnie Depp. It’s a generational thing I guess. I am 37 and every single girl I have slept with had a thing for Johnnie Depp. All of them. Even a lesbian (long story). Obviously she wasn’t entirely a lesbian but you know like whatever!

So that’s just me saying women my sort of age like Depp and women my mother’s age like Al… Oh, no… Because the same applies to the male of the species. That is why long-term readers will have noted that I have posted vids of Kylie Minogue, The Cardigans and Alison Goldfrapp. I mean when I was 19 I kinda liked 19 year olds but I’m not 19 anymore. To be fair sex back then was pretty ropey (frewuently gropey). You see my point? My iconic shags that never happened are all about my age or older. I even carry a torch for Debbie Harry but then who doesn’t? Ye Gods she is awesome! When I first saw Blondie play the Manchester Apollo…. I was about 2m from Debbie and she sounded like God burning a bush. It was that good and she’s still got legs to die for and a voice like an air-raid siren. And you just know, you do don’t you? That if you get her into bed she’d be unbelievably filthy. Debbie is bisexual so knock yourself out ladies – as long as I get the SD.

I pity the lasses who are twelve because they only have Just in Beaver (the dismally hung Canadian he truly is). My mum has Al and I have Kylie. I reckon both of us lucked out.

But it is odd. Is it not? I don’t fancy girls under thirty. Because I only like women who burn like the nuclear furnaces of the stars. And I mean a Type Ia supernova here. That is 10 to the power 58 Hiroshimas (let’s go nuclear!). That is a “Way hay – duck and cover time!!!” That is a hypersonic flying fuck. That is something else. That is serious fucking. That is Biblical. That is one wish fulfilled tonight. The alterntive is frankly pointless.

Take it away Nina…

Yeah, that’s my only wish this Crimbletide. Utter filth with a lady that knows what she is doing. What else?

An F-16 would also be nice.


  1. Dangermouse says:

    Ah yes, Nina.

    Object of my desires for some years now.


  2. Philip Scott Thomas says:

    So you are then, maybe, old enough to appreciate the irony that Rasputin died in St. Petersburg on 29 December?

  3. Lynne says:

    My mum had a thing going for Jeff Chandler. My dad so closely resembled him he could have been Chandler’s twin brother.

  4. NickM says:

    Who is Jeff Chandler? I know who Rasputin is from the Boney M song – frankly all you need to know on Russian History apart from the odd false Dmitri.

  5. RAB says:

    My mum loved Gone With The Wind, and especially Leslie Howard, hence the A in RAB is for Ashley…

  6. That’s strange. I saw McKellen’s dick when he played Coriolanus. I thought it was just us. Turns out that it might be easier to define the group who haven’t seen it.

    Then he can go round their houses and get the full set.

  7. I’ve often wondered who British blokes born in 73 lost their boyish trebles over. Debbie Harry – well, well. I was born in 61 so obviously it was Diana Rigg. (“Obviously” – ask anyone my age. ) Now please don’t tell me you saw her take her kit off in some arty farty West End production as well. I don’t want to know.

  8. Bod says:

    Damn right, Endivio.

    I can’t even start to calculate how many libidos she and that one-piece leotard launched.

  9. Umbongo says:

    “Now please don’t tell me you saw her take her kit off in some arty farty West End production as well. I don’t want to know.”

    Sorry Endivio, those of us old enough to theatre-go in 1972 glimpsed the Divine Diana sans kit in “Jumpers” by Tom Stoppard.

  10. Bod says:

    .. and wasn’t the ever-perky Felicity Kendal in that too, Umbongo?

  11. “You diabolical mastermind, you!” (Emma Peel)

    I used to have that as my start-up sound file in Windows 98. Doesn’t seem right somehow now I’m married an’ all.

  12. NickM says:

    Windows 98?

  13. A palaeolithic operating system, much used by Cromagnon man before the invention of stone egg whisks.

  14. Bod says:

    Must … resist … urge to praise the … Chateau de Chasselas!

  15. Sunfish says:


    You know, the only version of Windows to not suck.

    Okay, the only spawn on the Win95 tree, as 2000 rose to the level of being mediocre.

  16. NickM says:

    Later XP is OK as long as you use “Classic” interface.

  17. Bod says:

    Oh, I dunno, I think Windows 7 isn’t at all bad, if you turn off a lot of the eye candy (Aero, Gadgets etc).

    You do need to be married to a Korean chip-manufacturing heiress (or heir) though.

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