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Mexican Standoff

My wife is a republican. This does not mean she is a member of the party of Lincoln or Reagan. No, she dislikes (to put it mildly) the Royal Family of this country. I have a rather more nuanced view which mainly amounts to believing the heir to the throne is just a cunning stunt.

Mainly because he is.

So this story comes as a bit of a surprise.

A Mexican teenager is staging a hunger strike outside the British Embassy in Mexico City in a bizarre attempt to secure an invitation to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Now not long since I caused a minor storm here – winding up some “traditionalists” – by saying the ban on night-time weddings in this country was both silly and sinister. Their argument of course was roughly about the idea that a wedding has to be public. Maybe they had a point. I think though this Mexican teenager is stretching that point to breaking. The last envelope I had through the door on Her Majesty’s Service was not an invitation to Will and Kate’s nuptials. It might have involved a blacksmith in Gretna but only if my tackle was on the anvil. Or fucking else!

Obviously Estibalis Chavez was clearly horrendously over-looked for an invite to the nuptials of Wills and Kate but then I don’t recall sending her an invite to my wedding either.

“Are they going to let me die just because they wouldn’t give me an invitation to the royal wedding?” Miss Chavez wrote on one of the flyers she has plastered near the entrance to the colonial-style building.

“This is my only dream,” read another flyer next to a picture of the smiling royal couple who will marry at Westminster Abbey on April 29.

The only Mexican I have ever known particularly well was an incredibly smart PhD student in mathematical logic. I guess if you got a population north of the 100million mark they can’t all be straight-A students. Gabriella clearly was and Establis very clearly isn’t.

Miss Chavez, wearing braces, pigtails and glasses, said the late Princess Diana had inspired her campaign.

The case for the prosecution rests.

Almost…

“My mother was a big fan of Lady Di too and she died when I was born, so I promised myself I would attend her son’s wedding,” added Miss Chavez, who has also taken her cause to the Facebook social networking site.

I’m a bit vague here as to who died when Ms Chavez was born. Either way it’s somewhat lame. And as to taking her “case” to the high court of social networking…

I got an email from Facebook today. It was about “International Talk Like a Geordie Day”. I have no idea why I got this because being from Gateshead it comes quite naturally in much the same way that couples in London don’t tend to invite random Mexican teenagers to their wedding.

“The embassy could talk to Britain for me but they haven’t,” she said. “But I’m going to stay here until I can’t go on.”

Oh, Lordy! It’s like that scene in Apollo 13 where Jim Lovell is about to go to the Moon and his daughter won’t leave her room because the Beatles have split up. It’s like when the lasses at my school weeped, wailed, rended their denim shirts, threw down their neckerchiefs and removed the Grolsch tops from their shoes (their abysmal plight was ultimately mitigated by the potent drug known as “Ben & Jerry’s”) when Bros split up. Yeah, Bros – that trio of profound Leo Sayers*. Mass Hass! Mass fucking hysteria more like. You didn’t get me doing that when Newcastle got relegated.

And no, that is not because I’m a geezer. And no it’s not because they are teenage girls though frankly I have my suspicions on that score but purely because there is at least one half-wit born every minute and a lot of them seemed to have vaginas and many of those went to my school.

*And Gods I had to go through that period drama again when Take That imploded. And I have it on sound authority that at least three of those heart-throbs (including Robbie Williams – who is camper than a row of tents in Elton John’s garden) prefer the tradesman’s entrance of the gentleman so what the fuck they were bitching about God in his Heaven alone knows.

13 Comments

  1. Lynne says:

    I couldn’t give a toss about suspect members of boy band nor the inevitable break-up. However, I can’t speak highly enough of the beneficial effects of a tub of Ben & Jerry’s on the female metabolism and psyche. Doesn’t do much for the waistline though.

  2. Paul Marks says:

    You must take the lady wife to Ely (a staight train trip from Manchester) – the little city that Oliver Cromwell loved most in the world. Not a big place – it can be seen in a day. But avoid this time of year – the wind blows in straight from Siberia.

    As for the Monarchy – I always draw a sharp distinction between the Crown and the person who happens to be the wearer of it.

  3. Ian B says:

    As a Take That fan[1] I have to object to that last paragraph of yours. Jason comes across as a bit camp, so possibly, but the other four are noticable for having wives and girlfriends and not-gay giveaways like that. The manager spread the “Robbie is really gay” nonsense, because he fancied him.

    Sound authority? Reminds me of back when I worked in theatre, and I made a joke about the gayness of a particular entertainer (which I knew on “sound authority”) to a lighting designer, only for said LD to stiffly explain that he was best friends with said man and said man’s wife, and I stood there wishing one of the stage traps would open beneath me. At which point I realised I’d learned a valuable lesson of some kind.

    [1] Srsly[2]. Go watch them perform Kidz[3] at the Brits on Youtube. They’re awesome.

    [2] If somebody had told me I’d be writing this 15 years ago, I’d never have believed them.

    [3] Okay, it’s a bit of a rip-off of “A Horse With No Name”, but we can forgive them that, can’t we?

  4. Bod says:

    Gad, Paul, I remember spending a night in an inn in Ely one winter in 1981, I think it was. I was up there for an interview with whatever the water company was at the time.

    Holy crap, you’re right about Siberia. Brass monkey weather – and how, but just enough to keep me entertained the following day before my trip back to Liverpool Street.

    Andthe crown? Well, yeah, it seems like the British Monarchy is due for a few years of diminishing popularity. I’m a bit of a republican myself, but really it’s hard to be awfully critical of Liz and Phil the Greek. They do add a veneer of quality to the old country and while they may not offset the civil list costs of the monarchy, they’ve got a long way to go before they’re as bad value for money as the EU.

  5. Ian B says:

    Phil The Greek? Founder of the WWF? Father of Charles? Promoters of Greenism?

    Personally, I think Madame Guillotine is too nice a death for the cunts. If I could be Prime Minister, I’d strip them of every penny they have, and every square metre of land, and throw the bums into exile. Really, I cannot describe my hatred for some of the wealthiest people on Earth fighting with lies and propaganda to destroy the poorest. I just don’t have sufficient words of execration.

  6. Kevin B says:

    Ian B, it’s good to know that our future king thinks there are too many of us proles cluttering up the place and Beddington, the government’s chief scientific advisor, also wants us culled. As does Nurse, the new guy in charge at the Royal Society who came to fame with that dishonest stitch of a Horizon programme.

    So while you’ve got the guillotine set up, keep a few slots handy for these guys, along with that nice David Attenborough, the Patron of the Optimum Population trust and chief propagandist for the ‘humans are a nasty virus mucking up my nice green planet and should all be wiped out except for the likes of me and a few serfs to work hard from dawn to dusk and keep us in the style to which we are accustomed’ faction.

    And the denizens of the Beeb deserve the chop of course, but that goes without saying.

  7. Bod says:

    Look at it this way, Ian.

    All the land they ‘own’, in a practical sense, isn’t theirs. The Queen can’t wake up one morning and sell Balmoral off to the Chinese. You could argue that the royals managed to save vast tracts of land from being sold off to bay for Broon’s Tax Antics. You know damn well he’d have had the crown jewels melted down and sold to Rattners if he had the stones.

    Property of ‘The Crown’ is really, the government’s, and the current nobs in Buck House are sitting tenants that the landlords don’t dare get rid of.

    It’s decades since one of the old buggers picked up a sword and told the serfs to give no quarter.

    And founding the WWF? C’mon, where’s all this stuff about freedom. If someone wants to found a charity devoted to protecting the anal integrity of dimensionally-challenged demihumans, who are you and me to care? I said somewhere else that the problem is not the charity, bogus or not; it’s just responding to the perverse incentives inherent in a government that is happy to give money extracted from us by the threat of violence to charities. Blame the thugs, not the syphilis-addled crack whores.

    I do concede on the ‘Charles’ bit, but it’s not just nature and nurture; poor old Chuckles was probably dropped on his head a few times before he was three. Damn, I sure would have dropped him on his head. In any sane state, there’d be some kind of law that would allow the succession to bypass a man who woke up one day and thought he was a tampon in some old tart’s snatch. Just pass a law or something – Westminster knows how to do that kind of shit. It’s famous for coming up with bizarre, nonsensical justifications for making something illegal.

    It’s been a funny old freedom-obsessed day on CCinZ, hasn’t it?

  8. Ian B says:

    And founding the WWF? C’mon, where’s all this stuff about freedom. If someone wants to found a charity devoted to protecting the anal integrity of dimensionally-challenged demihumans, who are you and me to care?

    I’m a libertarian. Anyone should be free to set up a pressure group promoting the gassing of Jews, and I am free to despise them for it. That’s how liberty works.

    It’s nothing to do with “perverse incentives from government”. Our political system has been converted into one in which pressure groups, charities, NGOs, “scientific” advisers and the rest of the infragovernment gets to make policy and the numpties we elect just do as they are told. Groups like the WWF are the heart of the problem, not some quaint, harmless folly of an addled aristocrat.

    The problem very much is “the charity”.

  9. Bod says:

    Like I say – make the WWF be a real charity – no govt funding, overtly or covertly, and I have no problem with them.

    If the WWF were limited to raising cash by standing outside rail stations with a hollowed-out orang-utang skull, begging for pennies and pocket fluff, I’d be a very happy bunny. With skill and enough funds, they can pay their way onto a TV ad or hire a phone bank staffed by morlocks limited to calling people too foolish or lonely to add their names to the ‘do not call list’.

    The poisonous, subversive nature of charities nowadays is the union of a desire to ‘do something meaningful’ (even if it’s morally wrong) and its intersection with a bunch of nominally ‘democratic’ thugs who just picked our pockets (with our implied permission) to fund the “charities’” agendas.

    As I said, you’re attacking the crack whores, when you should be attacking the thugs.

  10. Ian B says:

    This is why I dislike the “fake charity” narrative. I don’t give a shit where they get their money, that’s a kind of red herring. It’s what they’re up to that matters.

    The primary purpose of the Charidee industry is political change and lobbying. Whether they’re “fake” or “real” doesn’t matter. People have got to get it out of their heads that some previous “honest” charidee system was corrupted by the State. It’s the opposite. The charidees have deliberately gone after the State in terms of both funding and influence.

    The purpose of the WWF is to create political change. It is not there to help fucking pandas, that is advertising. It is there to push governments into Greenist policies. As with Greenpeace, FOE, and all the other bastards.

    In the West, it’s the source of the political ideas that matter. They are the enemy. The hapless wonks blundering around Westminster in a fug of idiocy are just the body that enact what the political class want them to do. You’ve got the cart and the horse mixed up. Or the tail and the dog. Or something.

  11. Bod says:

    You put a bunch of people together with some wack-ass idea about how clowns are causing global warming.So what? The internet’s full of people like that. They have no influence until some bastard puts that group of nutters on the public teat. My interest in the precise nature of the symbiosis isn’t awfully enlightning – what we hate is the disease.

    The reason that the Illuminati and Bilderbergers are so dangerous is that they can do all their evil deeds without some government giving them money – they already owned their own spats, top hats and monocles.

    But greenies (for example) don’t – so they need a symbiote (or more appropriately, a host) to pursue their agenda – so take down the host. The metabolic mechanisms don’t matter if the host has no nutrients for the leeches that feast upon it.

  12. RAB says:

    Jesus! first Hawkwind, now Take That. Are you ‘aving a Giraffe Ian?

    The Horse with no name link is tenuous at best my old sunshine, but if you want a complete steal try this…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwKoq-9IgI8

    from this…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzAEtLPSzRg

    As to fake Charities, yes it bloody does matter if they are fake or not, because if they are getting Government money, it means that Joe Public doesn’t think them worthy enough to stump up the cash volunteraly, so they go whining to the Govt for the money to promote their prodnosed interferance and keep them in the manner to which they are accustomed.

    But the Govt can claim that the report just released by the charity (say ASH or Alcohol Concern) is independent of the Govt, even though the Govt has paid for and endorsed said report in advance.

    Look Govt says, this is very disturbing (4th hand smoke killing every living thing by 2050, NHS destroyed by plague of binge drinkers) something must be done, so on the information contained in this independent report provided by this noble charity, we are going to intern all drinkers and smokers on the Isle of Wight.

    It’s called plausible denial, but is what they wanted to do all along, but didn’t have the balls to come out and say so.

    Besides, the fuckin Govt giving my money to fake charities that I have decided not to, is fuckin theft, and not Charity at all.

  13. Laird says:

    Although I’m always hesitant to agree with IanB, I have to say I rather liked that “Take That” video. (Never heard of them before this, or seen anything else of theirs.) I’d certainly rather have seen that performance at our Superbowl than those talentless Black Eyed Peas! But “Horse With No Name”? Really? How do you get that? Frankly, I think he sounds more like David Bowie.

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