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H2Whoah!!!

The makers of Real Water say tap water is ‘damaged’. Rebecca Hill asked a chemist and nutritionist what they made of the claim.

This is going to be fun… And I won’t make much use of a chemist or nutritionist to enjoy myself here. What a foul thought anyway! Everyone knows the best looking lasses in the science faculty are in maths or biology, sometimes physics. But chemistry! And nutrition! Nutrition! The only role they have in enjoyment is prolonging the sexual act by thinking of “Doctor” Gillian McKeith sniffing a salad-dodger’s turd.

“Did you know that most of the water you’re drinking every day may actually be damaging your health?”

Yeah, inhalation of even a small quantity can be fatal. That’s why they call it dihydrogen monoxide.

This is the bold claim made by Nevada-based Affinity Lifestyles. Fortunately, they have the solution: Real WaterTM with E2 technology.

Water exported from Nevada? I’ve heard everything now.

The Real Water website describes how the water we drink – from the water I have in my glass right now, to the water you made your cup of tea with this morning – has been “damaged”.

Riiight… Apparently it is endorsed by Paul Oakenfold, FRS DJ. Well I guess Oakenfold knows water being a DJ and therefore, from my experience, having the intellectual capacity of something you find dredge from a pond.

In an attempt to blind the reader with science, there are reams of misplaced claims and pseudo-facts. Take the claim that “many food and beverages … are devoid of electrons” – which would make it an entirely new state of matter.

This is not the time to mention Bose-Einstein condensate is it? You know there are six states of matter and this is not one of ‘em?

Real Water doesn’t appear to be a hoax or the work of Chris Morris and co. I’ve had confirmation from a US store that they stock the product and I have got as close to buying a 24-pack of Real Water ($36 + p&p) as is possible without comitting my credit card details.

$36! Even my snake-oil is better value! And that is made from real snakes. Well, worms actually, but who cares! Bit short of snakes in England. We have no venomous spiders, no sharks, wolves, bears and the last time anyone died from an adder bite (our only venomous snake – apart from Homo-reptilia mandelsoni, obviously) was the 1970s. Our largest native predator is the… badger! So be afraid!

According to the company “most of the water we drink is very acidic … many nutritionists believe that most diseases flourish and grow rapidly in an acidic environment.”

That is a stunna! Since shortly after the dawn of time people have been preserving food by keeping it in acid. It’s called pickling. It works because most pathogens don’t like acid. Oh, and dilute ethanoic acid (or vinegar as it is usually called) is perfectly fine – even in salad dressings! The last time anyone died because of it was when Hannibal took his elephants over the Alps.

In fact, tap water is very slightly acidic because small amounts of carbon dioxide in the air dissolve in it.

Carbonic acid it’s called.

The makers of Real Water claim that during its journey through various pipes, filters and other treatment systems normal water is “stripped of its electrons”, causing them to “clump”, which prevents them from hydrating our cells. Even worse, the water molecules are now “basically free radicals … [which] literally zap or pull away life force from the cell.”

That is “science” on the level, roughly of geomancy or demonology. There is a technical term for such “scientific” claims – utter bollocks. I’m sorry to get technical there as I’m aware some readers don’t have A-Level Chemistry.

The E2, or Electron Energized, technology supposedly “adds hundreds of millions of free electrons” to “unclump” the water and give it an alkaline pH.

“Unclump” as a scientific term? The nearest I can think of is Umklapp (which in the German literally means, “flip-over”) but is proper science – solid state physics and seeing as this is a blog post it’s scientific validity is proven by the fact I am writing this and you are reading it using devices using doped semi-conductors. I am there assuming none of you still have a Difference Engine like the Cats’ server in Queensland. Upside-down cogs – that’s what this site runs on.

Now “hundreds of millions” might sound big (it’s almost a bailout) but in the context… Avagadro’s number is of the order of 1023 and for “hundreds of millions” we are talking 108 so that’s like fifteen zeroes off and that is for a mole of water which is roughly 18 grams of the stuff or 0.036 of a standard half-litre bottle of water. Those fifteen zeroes mean something like 1 in a petamole (be careful, they have sharp teeth and nasty claws!) of the water molecules is “re-electronized”. And that’s their claim! If it comes down to court-room fisticuffs that might actually be quite clever.

Oh, ye Gods – it just rolled up – Mel B, the erstwhile Spice Girl and noted lion of inorganic chemistry drinks it too!

I asked Real Water about the treatment, but public information officer Xzavia Ross said: “Our process is proprietary so there really is no way we can disclose the process by which we add electrons to the water.”

Er… right… It’s so kick ass they haven’t even filled a patent? I have known a few patent officers. They tend to have a background in science and the law and would literally choke on this hog-wash.

The Guardian writer tried the website’s section “science articles” only to find, “coming soon”. Undeterred the hack phoned them…

Ross said: “Since you have familiarised yourself with our website you should know that … the pH test is a wonderful indicator with scientific evidence of alkalinity.”

Oh, just wow!

Why am I reminded of Del Boy (and Coke’s Disani – remember that?) bottling Peckham tap-water? Or indeed – via the ‘sleb endorsements my own dear Uncle who once – I am not making this up – sold a pink rabbit to Kerry Katona. Apparently Jordan (aka Katie Price) also got one for her blind son Harvey (yes, Harvey – I know – the irony meter has hit FSD). Now I can understand a loving mother buying a furry pet for her kid but if the kid is profoundly blind from birth does the colour of the pet matter? Anyway, the pink rabbits were only pink-ish and that because, damn me, I shall reveal his secret… He fed ‘em on the stuff they use on fish farms to turn salmon pink. But wait! He claimed they were a new breed of bunny and their offspring would inherit pinkness. I think he really believed it but what my serial con-man uncle really believes is most charitably described as “quantum”. Yup, a geezer whose clinical-psychologist (for the defence on another case which involved 3.6 million quid going south) described as having a reading ability barely able to cope with a Sun frontpage had just re-discovered Lamarckism! He was charging over five hundred quid a bunny mind and enough daft sods fell for it for him to buy a Merc. There is a reason Charles Darwin* was buried in Westminster Abbey and my Uncle spends frequent periods in less salubrious state-owned facilities. And, oh, hung for a sheep as much as a lamb… amongst his other schemes was selling tar water (really) and a 23-hole (yes!) golf course on a remote Scottish island. He was going to design that himself despite never having played a round in his life.

*Interesting tit-bit on Charles Darwin. The pall-bearers at his funeral were…

George Campbell – The 9th Duke of Argyll
William Cavendish – The 7th Duke of Devonshire
Edward Henry Stanley – The 15th Earl of Derby
James Russell Lowell – The American Ambassador to Britain
William Spottiswoode – Mathematician, physicist, the Queen’s Printer, and friend of Darwin
Joseph Dalton Hooker – Darwin’s close friend and champion of his Theory of Evolution
Thomas Henry Huxley – Darwin’s close friend and champion of his Theory of Evolution
Alfred Russel Wallace – Darwin’s friend and the co-founder of Natural Selection
Sir John Lubbock – The 1st Baron of Avebury, Darwin’s next door neighbor and close friend

Very conservative and against such radical ideas like we’re related to monkeys those Victorians! Note also the US Ambassador. And we laugh at them for being anti-science? And then buy “real Water”…

16 Comments

  1. FactuallyCorrected says:

    “$36! Even my snake-oil is better value! And that is made from real snakes. Well, worms actually, but who cares! Bit short of snakes in England. We have no venomous spiders, no sharks, wolves, bears and the last time anyone died from an adder bite (our only venomous snake – apart from Homo-reptilia mandelsoni, obviously) was the 1970s. Our largest native predator is the… badger! So be afraid!”

    1 – Almost all spiders are venomous – not many in England are very dangerous to people but there are some that can and do bite, which will cause pain, swelling and nausea.

    2 – There are many native shark species in British waters (including Blues, Makos, Porbeagles, Basking, Thresher) which can grow in excess of 3 meters.

    3 – Badgers are evil little shits.

  2. CIngram says:

    There are a lot of people in the world who will believe anything. And there are a lot of other people who know this. And then there is us, the people who laugh at them both… before doing the football pools and voting for Cameron.
    But ‘devoid of electrons’ makes it a neutron star, doesn’t it? I think I shall be moving to Mars as soon as it is financially possible.

  3. RAB says:

    Ahem, I didn’t vote for Cameron or do the Pools CIngram (does anyone do the Pools since the Lottery?).

    Wonderful! You just can’t make this stuff up anymore can you? As P T Barnum said (or was it WC Fields?) There’s a sucker born every minute.

    Real Water from a desert eh? That’ll be freeze dried or dessicated would it? you know just add…

  4. Nelsontouch says:

    Reminds me of when I had a job which involved meeting salesmen trying to sell to the motor trade.
    Chap came along, promising to get 30% more miles per gallon if only his little metal gadget was inserted in the fuel line.
    Claimed it used magnetism to align the fuel molecules in a straight line and then it burned more efficiently.
    The only caveat was that you had to make sure your engine was properly tuned, , windows closed, tires properly inflated, etc.

    I turned him down, if you’re wondering.

  5. Sam Duncan says:

    I never really understood the fuss over Dasani. They took ordinary water, distilled it, then added a standard set of ingredients to make… Coca Cola. So they figured they could do the same for the mineral water market, since the problem their “natural” spring water competitors have is a limited supply. Made perfect sense to me.

    This stuff, on the other hand…

    …well, it’ll probably be a go-er, for a while, on those sleb endorsements. People are nuts.

  6. Fred Z says:

    These people will lead to great genetic improvements in the human race. The fools will hand over money for tap water, have insufficient money for proper food and their children will become malnourished and fail to breed.

    It is immoral to let a sucker keep his money and these are very moral people.

  7. Lynne says:

    Real Water Stupid!

  8. Lynne says:

    As for the “clumped” electrons equating with no electrons at all. Maybe it was all that Nevada desert nuke testing wot did it…

    I suspect these morons actually meant electrolytes and not electrons. Therefore their trade secret is the addition of a pinch of salt. Not exactly one for the Patents Office.

    Laffing

  9. NickM says:

    Lynne,

    That may be “real water” but the Co-op sells “ethical water”. You may well be right about the salt. You got any capital Lynne? I have a cunning plan. Got to be round your gaff – I have a sodding water meter.

    Anyway, you miss a trick – it wasn’t the nukes, it was the aliens, Scully!

  10. Lynne says:

    Smacks one’s self upside the head. Aliens! Of course.

    My gaff for sure. Bring a big pan with you so that we can extract the salt from the seawater a few hundred yards off my drive so we can go for the “organic” label.

  11. Lynne says:

    Better yet, we can set up shop next to one of the collapsed brine wells in these here parts.

  12. Sunfish says:

    Water is for fighting about. It’s whiskey that’s for drinking.

    As for adding electrolytes, there’s another reason why the patent people don’t want to hear about it: the University of Florida got there first. Although that was sort of capitalist and these people are ethical, whatever the frak that means.

  13. Henry Crun says:

    I reckon their process might just be opening a tap, sorry…faucet, and filling a bottle.

  14. Adam Collyer says:

    Even drinking pure vinegar would be much less acidic than the stomach acid we use to digest our food!

  15. Paul Marks says:

    I know it is an old point of mine but…….

    The worst mistake a lot of American conservative Protestants (David Barton estimates it is about half of them) have made is rejecting biological evolution.

    It was not always so – for example being anti evolution is not listed as one of the “fundementals” (from which we get the word “fundementalist”) in the early 1900s essay that launched the “Fundementalist” resistance to the attempted “Social Gospel” socialist takeover of Christianity. Indeed several of the writers were natural scientists who worked in the field of evolutionary biology themselves (not exactly how Hollywood presents fundementalists – but then Hollywood is controlled by the left, so tries to show enemies of the left in the worst possible way it can).

    However, in the 1920s this anti evolution move was made.

    Ironically led by William Jennings Bryan – who was a bit a leftist himself.

    Anyway W.J. Bryan managed to convince a lot of people that one could not be a sincere Christian (a Christian who really believed in God and individual life after death…. not “Jesus was great teacher” and all that stuff) if one also believed in evolution.

    Well the trouble with that is that (although some of the evidence presented for Darwinism over the years has been deeply dodgy) evolution itself is hard scientific fact.

    So WJB really did – was put Christians into the trap of denying basic science.

    And about half of conservative American Protestants are up to their necks in this trap.

    Conservative American Catholics appear to have avoided the trap (for the most part) – but they did not have a great movement led by WJB.

    By the way, to be fair to WJB, the Scoopes trial is wildly misrepresented in that lying piece of shit – the play “Inherit the Wind”.

    “Drummond” (the defence lawyer Clarence Darrow) was not a fair minded agnostic – he was savage athiest who wanted to destroy Christianity (or the “slave religion” as he called it).

    And the book that was “on trial” as not for suitable for use in schools was not Darwin’s “Origin of Species” it was George W. Hunter’s “Civic Biology”.

    Now “Hunter’s Civil Biology” was bit too racist even for Tennessee in the 1920s.

    Lots of stuff about how the white race was superior – and the inferior should not be allowed to breed, so that their stock might be exterminated (as old fashioned people might object to more direct and scientific methods of extermination….).

    Oddly enough none of this gets into the play…

    And “Matthew Brady” (Bryan) is not presented as an anti war, anti imperialist, Christian – disgusted with the rise of “scientific racism” and figthing it because he believed it would lead to the extermination of “inferior races” and the extermination of the “inferior” white poor…..

    Nont of Byran arguements get a look in the play (or the films).

    “Matthew Brady” is just presented a bigoted relgious buffoon.

    For a more even handed account of the dispute see Jack Cashill’s “Hoodwinked” – although (like so many American conservatives) I can smell doubt about evolution itself in his work.

    Although he does formally say that he does not “question Darwinism per se” just some of the Darwinists.

    But…….

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