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I am utterly sick to the back-teeth now…

We are currently at war in Afghanistan and Libya is spiralling out of control. The entire civilized world is in the financial naughty corner, we have a prime minister who thinks he can make it all go away by taking his wife on holiday via Ryanair and what do our biggest selling tabloids run with…

The Mirror:

Kate Middleton will not ‘obey’ in royal wedding vows – just like Prince William’s mum Diana.

I am shocked I tells ya! shocked!

KATE Middleton is set to follow Princess Diana’s example by ditching the word “obey” from her wedding vows.

Instead she is expected to promise to “love, comfort, honour and keep” Prince William when they tie the knot next Friday.

Kate, 29, and Wills, 28, discussed the wording with Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams.

He said: “They have a very simple, direct picture of what really matters.”

Unlike, oddly enough, Rowan Williams who is by a country mile the most obfuscating fucker ever of woman born.

KATE Middleton was applauded last night for her decision to “do a Diana” and refuse to say the word “obey” in her wedding vows to Prince William.

In keeping with the couple’s thoroughly modern outlook, she is expected to shun the archaic promise – just like Princess Diana did 30 years ago.

Kate and Wills have also been warmly praised for the “simple and direct” way they have planned their wedding.

Just like Diana did 30 years ago and that’s a “thoroughly modern outlook”! Well, if that’s the case then fuck fixing PCs because I’ve got a ZX-81 to sell ya mate! Alan Sugar only crapped on it once, honest! I have been to a number of weddings since Chuckles and Di made their solemn vows before Archbishop Runcey (with Camilla’s lady-fat still gently congealing on the Royal Generative Member) and I have never heard anyone promise to obey anyone. This is not “ground-breaking”, this is just life. And you know what? I have no animus contra the royal family (apart from that useless twat Eddie, that sponging quarter-wit Fergie, her epically corrupt demi-husband Andy, that prune-faced moo Anne and that utterly despicable cunt and future “Defender of Faiths” Prince Chuckles of Tampax). Apart from them I’m not a republican. By which I mean I don’t frigging care – and if William and Catherine are happy with the sort of wedding vows that have been commonplace since I thought Lego was the coolest thing ever then it still is. But “simple and direct”. Oh, behave! It’s not like my wedding shut down central London or invited the King of Cambodia….

The Sun blares this…

King Norodom Sihamoni has not replied to the couple’s wedding invitation.

He is the only Royal out of dozens worldwide who has failed to respond.

Sihamoni, 57, a shaven-headed former ballet dancer and instructor, is not the first Cambodian king to snub a British royal wedding.

Send in the Typhoons Dave! He is clearly some form of Leo Sayer!

In 1963 his dad Sihanouk refused to attend Princess Alexandra’s wedding after being told he would not get a guard of honour and could not stay at Windsor Castle.

The utter cad!

1963! Why am I thinking of Harold Wilson and the white heat of Cambodian diplomacy or some such?

IT’S the biggest social event for 30 years – and The Sun can today name hundreds of the top guests due to attend next week’s glittering Royal Wedding.

It clearly is because I’m not invited.

The Sun says…

Viscount Althorp – William’s cousin. The son of Princess Diana’s brother Earl Spencer.

Miss Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe – Stunning friend of William.

Miss Helen Asprey – The couple’s personal private secretary.

Mr and Mrs Rowan Atkinson – Comedian and Mr Bean actor, and his wife Sunetra.

Mr Harry Aubrey-Fletcher and his wife, Hon. Sarah Louise – William and Kate’s close pals.

Miss Annabel Ballin – Party planner is a friend of Kate’s.

Mr and Mrs David Beckham – Footballer and his pop star wife Victoria.

Doctor Holly Branson – Daughter of tycoon Sir Richard.

Mr and Mrs Fergus Boyd – William’s flatmate at St Andrews University.

Miss Jessica Craig – One of William’s former girlfriends.

Miss Chelsy Davy – Prince Harry’s girlfriend.

Mr David Dugmore and Mr Roger Dugmore – Safari park owners from Botswana.

Mr Mark Dyer and his wife Amanda – One of Prince Harry’s best friends.

Mr Ben Fogle and wife Marina – Telly star and a friend of both William and Kate.

The Lord and Lady Jane Fellowes – William’s aunt. The sister of Princess Diana.

Alexander Fellowes – William’s cousin. The son of Jane.

Eleanor Fellowes – William’s cousin. The daughter of Jane.

Miss Rosie Farquhar – One of William’s former girlfriends. An actress.[Dear God!}

Mr Rupert Finch – One of Kate’s former boyfriends.

Miss Alicia Fox-Pitt – One of Kate’s oldest friends.

Ms Daniella Helayel – Kate’s favourite fashion designer.

Miss Olivia Hunt – A former girlfriend of William.

Emilia d’Erlanger and David Jardine-Paterson – Emilia is Kate’s old schoolpal. William and Kate went to couple’s wedding last year.

Mrs Tiggy Legge-Bourke and her husband Charles – William’s former nanny.

Mr and Mrs James Lowther-Pinkerton – Part-time private secretary to William and Harry.

Captain Jack Mann – The polo-playing son of British mercenary Simon Mann.

Mr Willem Marx – One of Kate’s former boyfriends.

Lady Sarah McCorquodale and husband Neil – William’s aunt. Princess Diana’s older sister.

Miss Emily McCorquodale – William’s cousin. Daughter of Sarah.

Mr George McCorquodale – William’s cousin. Son of Sarah.

Miss Celia McCorquodale – William’s cousin. Daughter of Sarah.

Mr Harry Meade and wife Rosie – Showjumper.

Mr and Mrs Edward Milbank – Old friends of William.

The Hon James Tollemache – Childhood friend of William.

I think I want to go in a corner and puke. For I have run out of hyphens.

11 Comments

  1. Sunfish says:

    I’ve been to weddings where the vows included obeying. I’ve been to weddings where they didn’t. I doubt it means much in The Grand Scheme Of Things.

    This one, however, reeks of one of those weddings where the bride and groom are just a side show and it’s really about someone else (usually the parents) either showing off or networking. And I can hear you thinking “Please continue to state the perfectly obvious, Lepomis. It fills me with confidence.”

    Has anybody ever noticed a correlation between how fancy the ceremony is, and how successful the marriage is? Because I haven’t, but dog and pony shows don’t inspire confidence. Of course, the happy couple may change their names and try to hide and start fresh on a jackalope ranch near Green River, Wyoming or follow the remnants of the Grateful Dead.

    Certainly, in a clapped out Crown Vic with no heat at this God-forsaken hour, neither sounds like that bad an idea.

  2. RAB says:

    Miss Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe – Stunning friend of William.

    I think I’ve just spotted the Mistress! Don’t look like that, they all have to have one, it’s part of our Heritage and tradition.

    Doctor Holly Branson – Daughter of tycoon Sir Richard.

    For a truly spectacular finale, the Royal couple eskew the State Coach and leave the Abbey by Balloon.

    Still not as radical as my own Nuptuals. When making our vows, I could of sworn I heard my wife say…

    And if he gives me any grief, I’m gonna put his balls in a blender…

  3. Laird says:

    Miss Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe – Stunning friend of William.

    I’m a little fuzzy on the rules: is one permitted to have two hyphens?

    Anyway, I thought that the hyphen (“bar sinister”) was a symbol of bastardy. So is she a double bastard? How does that work?

  4. EndivioR says:

    Royal families are like labial herpes simplex: once you’ve got one it’s pretty much impossible to get rid of the bugger, but fortunately most of the time you don’t notice it. However, from time to time the thing will break out into a sore, as here.

    For the duration, doctors recommend that those afflicted with Royalty refrain from kissing.

  5. Red Admiral says:

    The hyphen champion was Reg Plunkett, who married into money and became Admiral of the Fleet Sir Reginald Aylmer Ranfurly Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax, KCB, DSO, JP, DL. Beat that!

  6. EndivioR says:

    “Miss Isabella Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe – Stunning friend of William.

    I think I’ve just spotted the Mistress! ”

    I must admit when I read that I assumed that a “stunning-friend” was a reference to some obscure aristocratic attribution. Perhaps when one goes ptarmigan-hunting, one takes a “stunning-friend” whose job it is to stun the bird with a light blow of the richly embroidered stunning-stick in preparation for its being devoured by the Royal Ferrets. Or something.

  7. RAB says:

    Corgis, not ferrets Endivio.

    Good to see you all getting into the spirit of the piece though :-)

  8. Sam Duncan says:

    “King Norodom Sihamoni”

    Who? Cambodia? I didn’t even know Cambodia had a King. Dear, oh dear. That’s the whole beano fucked then. Might as well just have it down the Registry Office after all.

    As for the Bun, yeah, I could have named most of them a year ago. “Couple Invite Family and Friends to Wedding” isn’t really much of a story.

    I’m like Nick; I’ve nothing against the Monarchy, and if it saves us from President Blair, Brown or Cameron then I’m all for it. I really, truly, hope Wills gets to be King someday (ideally before his dad*), but I wish the meeja would give it a bloody rest with this wedding.

    *Ideally ideally, in some sort of bloody palace coup during which they have a big televised swordfight. What’s the point of a monarchy if we don’t get to see them fighting with swords?

  9. RAB says:

    Gotta love this bit of news though…

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/royal-wedding/8470465/Royal-wedding-No-place-for-Tony-Blair-and-Gordon-Brown.html

    Her Majesty must have put her foot down. “Those two cunting bastards who bankrupted my Kingdom are not getting any more photo opportunities out of us!

  10. hlynkacg says:

    William is a Lifguard (SAR) pilot is he not?

    I notitice that his “swimmer” is not on the list provided. Clearly there is drama to be investigated. ;)

  11. Jonathan says:

    ” KATE Middleton was applauded last night for her decision to “do a Diana” and refuse to say the word “obey” in her wedding vows to Prince William.”
    And we all know how well that worked out don’t we?

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