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I Cannae Tek Nae More o’ This!

I flicked on the BBC News this morning and there was a load of crap on about the Royal Wedding. Specifically it was a collection of twats discussing clips of Royal Weddings of yesteryear. They focussed especially on Chuckles and Di. And how during the depths of economic despair back in ’81 it was exactly what the country needed and they with straight faces and the mere glisten to the eye reflected on how it was a “fairy tale”. I’d say more like a bloody nightmare seeing as Chuckles shagged Camilla the night before… Anyway it must have been cold-comfort to the 3 million unemployed but so what? They could take one day out of their cares and be uplifted (I paraphrase but that was the gist) and watch it on the telly (as long as the re-po man hadn’t been around – yet).

Marrying the man you love might be considered enough of a first for any woman. But on Friday at 11am, when Catherine Middleton steps into Westminster Abbey to exchange vows with Prince William, this commoner will become a true royal pioneer.

Kate will be the first royal bride to have a university degree, the first to have lived with her husband before marriage, the first to have a mother who used to be an air hostess, the first to be raised in a house that has a street number instead of a fancy name and a moat with swans. Whatever snobs may say about the suitability of the match between the middle-class Miss Middleton and the monarchy, there can be no doubt of one glorious fact: some day, she will be the first Queen of England to have fallen over at a roller disco in a pair of yellow hotpants.

Well at least she wasn’t wearing a thong and mini-skirt otherwise Compton and Woodlouse would be issueing a limited edition collectable, The Minge of Kings. Anyway, I know full-well Catherine of Braganza used to roller-blade in the nip down the long-gallery of Hampton Court Palace.

It is Kate’s only serious slip-up so far [Boom Boom!]. Not bad for a girl who has had to endure the longest job interview in history. Kate was 19 when, in 2001, she met William during their first term at St Andrews University. They became friends – and, eight months later, more than that. Fast forward eight years and Kate was two months away from her 29th birthday when their engagement was announced.

I dunno about the Royals but clearly Allison Pearson who penned this epically patronising bilge doesn’t live in anything like the real world. Patronising to everyone but especially to Miss Middleton. Does anything strike you as unusual about that relationship arc? Obviously it seems so to Ms Pearson and much the rest of the meedja hence the ridiculous, Mills and Baboonish “The Princess who Waited” narrative. And that “two months shy of being 29 (nearly 30!)” schtick is vomitus maximus in it’s sexism. Tell ya what! They should have just arranged a marriage to a virgin of good breeding in the manner of the Plantagenets because that worked brilliantly last generation.

Eight long years in which the quiet, sporty brunette, famous at school for her record-breaking high jump and tenacious character, earned the humiliating nickname of Waity Katie. Why didn’t the art history graduate use her brain and find herself a proper job, demanded the press. Kate’s failure to get a ring on her finger became a national joke.

“Humiliating nickname”? C’mon Ms Pearson you can’t pull that on off after the patronising drivel you have been spouting here – that’s down to you and your cronies. And “national joke”. Oh for fuck’s sake!

But, as a friend in the couple’s circle points out, to get the promotion to fiancée, Kate couldn’t risk accepting any job that made her look like she was cashing in on her boyfriend’s name: she was stuck between a hard place and a rock. And not just any rock; it was the £250,000 sapphire and diamond ring that had belonged to William’s adored late mother.

“Promotion”? Jesus wept! And you know it would have been totally unheard of for a member of the Royal Family or a hanger-on to abuse the name to get ahead. I mean William’s uncles in particular would never dream of such a thing. As to jobs for posh art history graduates it is all who they know anyway. So what! ’tis the way of things. Student lads, you want to marry into money, hang around the art history department. Packed with rich quim. Learn a few phrases first. Here’s one for free, “Carravaggio – simply magnificent in his use of chiaroscuro!”. That will get you at least tops and fingers. Or your money back!

Anyway. I seem to have drifted off topic and this article just goes on and on. If you want to read the rest it’s here.

I am deeply sceptical about an elected head of state (I can hear Mandy’s coffin lid creaking already) but I am piggy rotten sick of this meaningless fawning adulation from almost all the media wanking themselves into a frenzy over this sort of crap. And moreover I am severely fecked-off with the whole commoner motif.

Time to be citizens, take-up knitting and purchase a tumbril!

Vive la révolution!


  1. Hands off our Kate.

    Nana Raft likes her and that is good enough for me. Nothing will prevent Nana from putting up bunting and having a buffet, and all she requires from the poppet is she keeps her dress decent and smiles a lot, minding her ps and qs.

    I’m quite looking forward to it now.

  2. RAB says:

    Aww you’ve got to let it all wash over you, like what I do Nick.

    We all know that all this fatuous reportage is 99% fictional bullshit by Royal Correspondants, that are 10 times snootier than the Royals themselves.

    William and Kate look like a good normal modern couple. Their generation is far removed from the likes of Wills dad, the petulant arrogant thick as a brick loony tune that he is. I reckon they will get on fine.

    I see Kate as more like the Queen Mother than anyone. She turned down Bertie half a dozen times, though she loved him because she was…

    “afraid never, never again to be free to think, speak and act as I feel I really ought to”

    And she was technically ” a commoner” too. So the Royal writers can’t even be arsed to do their research properly.

    I really wish the Succession could skip a generation, or even better bung in Princess Anne, anyone but Chuckles, for mark my words, he will be our last Monarch cos he won’t ever shut up or stop meddling, and I don’t want a President Mandleson either.

    I won’t be watching. I didn’t for Chuckles and Di, or for Di’s funeral, which was positively scary!

    Talking of weddings though, It is the misses and I’s anniversary today, 33 years and still going strong. Remember one piece of advice from an old ‘un you youngsters…

    A bloody good row a day keeps the Lawyers away.

  3. NickM says:

    Err… RAB I think you ignore the role the Good Ol’ Queen Mum (Gawd Bless!) had in setting up Chas & Dave. It was her experience with spotting a fetlock with promise and all. It’s all poisonous. And yes you’re right William & Kate seem, almost disturbingly, …normal but when you read that sort of guff you do wonder about the “dark forces” that surround them still entrenched and still doing a sally whenever they get an opportunity like this.

    And happy anniversary RAB! I hope you and the missus have a swell time!

    PS Everyone! Vote no to AV. It is part of He Who Should Not be Named’s plans to cover the lands with a second darkness. He is gathering orcs and other nameless things. Send for a Goodgulf!

  4. Philip Scott Thomas says:

    Given the Beeb’s more-or-less republican stance over the years, I was puzzled by the amount of time they’ve been devoting to this non-event. Then it hit me: perhaps they’re intentially trying to make us all so heartily sick of the royal family’s goings-on they we’ll positively cheer the revolution.

    Am running low on tin foil. Must go stock up. :-)

  5. erm says:

    i read all that, and thought of this…

  6. Lynne says:

    Doesn’t bother me in the slightest because I’ve been avoiding this shit like the plague. I’m happy for them as I would be any other couple and that’s all they’ll get out of me.

  7. NickM says:

    The BBC is not republican.

    It is a dinosaur having it’s last glorious plodge in the Cretaceous swamp.

    So it has a natural affinity with the monarchy.

    The BBC is and always has been for the establishment. That the establishment is soft(ish) left eco-quackery now rather than paternalistic centre-right back in the days of Reith doesn’t matter. It has an absolute vested interest in maintaining the status-quo and nothing embodies that more than the Royal Family.

  8. RAB says:

    Bet you don’t get non PC commentary like you got at the Queen’s Coronation this time though.

    Noel Coward and some other bloke were doing part of the commentary of the Heads of State arriving at the Abbey, and the other bloke said…

    Ah here comes the carriage with the Queen of Tonga, but who is that little man sat next to her?

    And Noel said…

    I believe that’s her lunch dear boy!

    My old friends Incompetent Woodlice are still at it then? Taking orders for a figurine that doesn’t exist yet, they never learn, or the idiots who buy them.

  9. Philip Scott Thomas says:

    The BBC is not republican.

    Really, Nick? And you’re willing to defend that position? Really?

  10. Guffaw says:

    I’m in the colonies, and it’s as though we never fought a war to get away from those &*$$)@#$!
    Media blitz, everywhere. Not that there’s anything else to report: the economy, the wars, terrorism, joblessness, earthquakes and tsunamis, nuclear meltdown…

  11. NickM says:

    Yes, I am. They have been wall-to-walling this in a snivelling manner for ages now. If you’d said that about C4 – well, yeah. But there are three institutions in this country that have nothing to gain and everything to lose by any significant constitutional change or upset and one of them is the BBC. The other two are the NHS and the Royals. I think you are confusing “socialist” with “republican”.

  12. Sam Duncan says:

    “earned the humiliating nickname of Waity Katie”

    Maybe it’s just because my only exposure to sleb culture is idly leafing through my mum’s Fail on Sunday, but this is, without a word of a lie, the first time I’ve ever heard of that. Never underestimate the crassness of “journalists” whose job doesn’t involve reporting actual stuff that actually happens to actual people, but I suspect Allison may have just made that up.

    “Commoner”. Yeah, technically, in the same way Jabba the Prescott is now, technically, not.

    Anyway, what RAB said. Plus, I totally would, so just lay off, right?

  13. NickM says:

    Yeah, “Waity Katie” has been doing the rounds Sam. It seems to me a construct of a tabloid-sense that the perfectly normal (to me, to everyone) idea that real life ain’t Hollywood in terms of romance is wrong. Of course it is. They got their, “Ain’t it marvellous!” pieces on their laptops since way back. They’re the ones who champed at the bit…

    Sam, I envy you. You clearly spend less time in dentists waiting rooms than I do.

    Though I have no idea what you totally would (or wouldn’t).

  14. Roue le Jour says:

    RAB, even better bung in Princess Anne

    I knew there was something I liked about you. Sound fellow.

  15. Peter MacFarlane says:

    “Time to be citizens, take-up knitting and purchase a tumbril!”


    But it’s the loathsome political class who should be the objects of our violence, not the fairly harmless royals.

    Just think – if we didn’t have HM the Q, we’d have some dodgy ex-flatmate of Tony Blair’s as Head of State.

    No contest.

    Long live Wills!

    (Not so sure about his dad, mind you, but with any luck he won’t hang around too long)

  16. NickM says:

    Israel doesn’t have a head of state.

    They have the F-16I Sufa (Storm) instead. Which gets more respect?

    And BTW “I am sure about his Dad”. He is a cunt so prize Monsanto couldn’t make another with a trillion dollars.

    This is my England and I shall be shot eight times in the head by the Met whilst working as an electrical contractor (which I sort of do anyway) before that fuck-noodle represents me.

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