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They’re having a go at the oranges now…

Following on from the cucumbers of (non)-calamity and the beansprouts of buggeration we now have the orange juice of obesity.

MILLIONS of people are putting their health at risk after research showed that natural fruit juice is so packed with sugar it can be addictive.

Drinking just two glasses a day could give people a “sweet tooth”, making them crave calorie-packed food, a study claimed yesterday. Experts are so concerned they are even calling for juice drinks to be taxed in a bid to curb Britain’s growing obesity epidemic.

Dr Hans-Peter Kubis, who led the study, said: “This has serious implications for public health. The research shows how few sweet foodstuffs are required to actually change your taste perceptions and how powerful sweet- tasting products are.

“We are heading for a multi-level health disaster with rising obesity levels and the increasing incidence of type 2 diabetes.”

We’re DOOMED!!!

Pure fruit juice, as well as carbonated drinks and cordials, are all “too high in sugar and too sweet”, the study found.

Given there is no safe level of alcohol consumption, milk contains animal fats, tea and coffee contain evil caffeine and now all soft drinks turn you into Billy Bunter what pray tell Herr Doktor can we drink? dihydrogen monoxide?

But it was a “study” so it must be true! Err… no. Listen to this gem…

Researchers say it is the first time such a link has been established.

Perhaps because…

And it is not just the overweight who are susceptible. The study found that people who are slim and active also risk developing a sweet tooth after having just two sugary drinks every day for a month.

So, do they still remain “slim and active”? I suspect so because two glasses of orange juice a day is hardly unusual and lots of the slim and active” drink that for decades whilst remaining “slim and active”. So your point Herr Doctor is?

But wait, it get’s worse!

Low or zero-calorie drinks with artificial sweeteners do not solve the problem as they only encourage people to over-eat at the next opportunity to make up for the calories missing in the beverage.

Herr Doctor, I hereby nominate you for winner of “Voodoo Science 2011″. We used to execute witches. Time to re-instate that law I feel.

Meanwhile, in case you’re worried about the evils of orange juice I suggest you follow my prescription for a nutritious breakfast. Wrap a sausage in cheese and deep fry it. Wash it down with half a pint of gin and finish with a cigar. That’s at least as sensible as Herr Doktor’s sorcery.


  1. Chalcedon says:

    Ridiculous. It’s the likes of Sunny Delight and other such chemistry sets that shoul;d be controlled, not pure fruit juice. Fruit juice contains mostly fructose, not the much sweeter sucrose anyway! If it’s loaded with sucrose then it has been adulterated.

  2. RAB says:

    Dr Kubis, from the University of Bangor’s school of sport, health and exercise sciences,

    Not a rocket scientist then, just another fuckin Geography/PE teacher!

    A study carried out on 12 subjects and no control group? he’s ‘avin a laugh isn’t he?

    I did hear of another study though that examined the Five fruits a day bullshit, which came to the conclusion that if you followed the regime as laid down, it would make you pear shaped! Yes apparently the fructose settles on the hips and midriff so you end up looking like Mr Blobby.

  3. NickM says:

    12 subject RAB! Jeebus wept.

    If I may paraphrase King Theoden, “What can men do against such reckless fuckwittery?”

    “Five fruits a day”

    When I open my gay club on Canal Street, Manchester that’s gotta be a promotion!

  4. I just wonder if Dr Peter is a strong six-pack sort of a guy who goes for hikes and practices what he preaches, or could he be a puny, overweight geography teacher seeking attention?

  5. Lynne says:

    What RAB said.

    Wrap a sausage in cheese and deep fry it.

    Or you could opt for the Jock McSporran version and wrap it in a Mars Bar…

  6. Kevin B says:

    I use the Insty health regime with an added extra: Sitting in the sun, drinking red wine and eating dark chocolate.

    Dark chocolate is good for my blood pressure* and as an added bonus I eat Cadbury’s Old Jamaica with rum and raisin. (Fruit you know.)

    *My blood pressure is raised by reading crap reports like the one so excellently filleted here and recalling how the experts changed our diet to reduce animal fat intake on the basis of statistical chicanery that makes the Hockey stick team look like rank amateurs.

    Of course the added joke is that I went down the driving range today in order to tune up for tomorrow’s medal and, while driving back, my back seized up and now I’m walking around like a cripple. If medical science could sort out the problems of the human back they would increase the quality of life for billions, but it probably wouldn’t involve the chance to preach at us all for being sinners.

  7. PeterT says:

    The problem with the modern world is that there are so many more ways of being an idiot than there were.

  8. john in cheshire says:

    Are there any pictures of this doctor? Is he educated in the normal sense of the word; or has he purchased an internet doctorate?

  9. Stonyground says:

    The thing about maintaining a healthy diet is that it is not effing rocket science. There are things that are good for you and there are things that are bad for you. If you indulge in either to excess you will screw up your health. Just make sure that you have plenty of variety in your diet and you will be fine. The great thing about variety is that it is enjoyable, you do not need to punish yourself in any way, just be sensible.

    Be warned, there are so called experts out there who would like to make you think that this is all far more difficult than it is. The reason for this is that they would like to sell you their sage advice at a premium rate. You do not need their advice, trust me on this.

  10. RAB says:

    So very true Stoney, absolutely anything and everything will kill you, if taken to excess, including humble H20. The example of that dickhead health freak a few years ago springs to mind. He thought drinking copious amounts of carrot juice was a sure fire way to eternity. He was dead right, of course, he went bright orange and died of Carotine poisoning.

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